Soooo much better.

It seems that these types of blogs serve a discrete purpose for most of us and once that purpose is realized (e.g., recovery well underway) the blog is either closed, deleted, or abandoned. I didn’t do any of those things because the stories I began here were not finished. I’m going to do a quick and dirty recount:

  1. My depression has run the route and has dramatically improved.
  2. I got stuck in hyperdrive and anxiety attacks late in the depression recovery but I’ve come to understand this is physiological vs. psychological.
  3. I no longer have flashbacks and other C-PTSD symptoms like I was. I catch the freezing but now that I know what it is, I manage it before it manages me.
  4. I moved back home in November of 2014. It was a rough transition but things are good.
  5. H has done so much to work on the relationship, as I have, and we are in a good place. @Mustbethistalltoride – we avoided catastrophe thanks to manyof your insights.
  6. I still struggle with isolation and purpose but the isolation has been a huge benefit in working on my sh&t. Agoraphobia [what tha heck?] is a totally weird side dish to the whole entree and one I never would have imagined I would encounter. Yet, here we are.
  7. I found out there were some physical things underlying the length and duration of my depression and I’m working on those now. Had a little discoid lupus thingy going on but it’s in remission now. Fortunately, I’m super familiar with autoimmune disease. /sigh
  8. With all of these progressions comes the realization that I have been largely emotionally and otherwise unavailable to most everyone except my sons and H. It had to be stripped to the bones. Just getting through the day on a basic level was the goal. Goal achieved. I’m still struggling with coming out of my shell but that cycle will complete when it’s time.
  9. H has really developed a good understanding of how stress and its’ cohorts have ravaged my body. It’s one thing to internally handle your “stuff” but it’s another to ignore the damage and make no effort to repair. Consequently, he helps me a lot.
  10. The ACES study: I score a 9 out of 10. Therefore, the previous items seem like an obvious progression. The longitudinal data of the study is both encouraging and terrifying. My researcher’s brain reminds me that there’s genetics (30% of the outcome) and epigenetics (the other 70%) and I’m pretty sure I got this thing. With odds like that though, it’s no joke and my health will be a constant first place item for the rest of my life. It’s real.
  11. I still live in my head – and in the past – more than I’d like. Residual stuff, nothing major.
  12. I’d like to feel pretty again which I do only on rare occasion. As my weight declines, I see these things coming back in line but the identity part is still fuzzy. Autoimmune dietary changes include: no sugar, no grains, of course no gluten, no dairy [except aged], no soy, and probably a few other nos that I can’t think of at the moment. The price is NOT worth it and I feel really, really bad when I don’t follow what I know I should be doing. Trust me, if these dietary restrictions were choices vs. do it or else, I wouldn’t be as successful in compliance as I am.

Bottom line: I am soooo much better. I am proof that things can be overcome, even when all seems futile. That feeling of futility is borne out of the lies that depression tells us. Big fat stinkin’ lies. I’m not buying it anymore. And, when H or I regress, I call that shit out too. Quick and dirty man, just the facts. We’re either behaving well or we’re not and most of the time, we’re doing quite well.

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