This stuff is *insidious* man. Absolutely the slickest, most covert ops the human psyche can offer up…and the most lethal as well.
How often do you take the millisecond required to check yourself when you feel that little brat sneak up behind you and SMACK you on the back of the head…do you know what hit you or do you simply assume the Fight Club posture?
Have you ever considered that just because your partner is the one who has the habit of yelling their crazy asses off it doesn’t mean you are immune to Anger’s abuse. What if you had sooooo much of your permanent real estate taken up by Anger that you were completely blinded by the hoarder’s paradise it inhabits? On top of that – you completely believe [probably due to stuff from your past] that you are not, in fact, an angry person. Nuh uh. That’s him/her, not me.
Dude, it’s time to come to Jesus [Allah, Shiva, whomever(s)]. In that moment that you project that all onto someone else, you have just been had by Anger, who snuck up behind you and dumped a quart of classroom paste on your head. After all, Anger’s mother, Codependence, has worked hard to build the little stinker.
No, no, no, it’s not easy. It’s ridiculous. This whole notion that We are in charge of our realities (i.e., our reactions, thoughts, feelings, relationships, etc.) is not at ALL the package we’ve been sold. No, my friend. We sacrificed too much because that’s what we were taught to do. We were led to believe that somewhere in it all, there was a reward. Safety and survival seemed good so we banked on the fact that we’d be recognized as good and lovable. Meanwhile, Anger was playing jax with our little kid psyches and we were fine with that because it was better than being alone. We got so good at selling ourselves out that we didn’t even know there were [healthier] alternatives. No benchmark. No manual.
We are the pleasers, the sacrificial lambs, the family scapegoats, the children of dysfunctional homes, the overachievers and the ones who didn’t make it to success of any kind. We are angry. We don’t know it sometimes/most of the time/always. We don’t understand why We tear ourselves up internally and then throw it all up on someone else, on a dare, by Anger. Anger then laughs hysterically. And we weep.
Until we say “game over”. We don’t concede. We just end it. The lifelong play date with Anger has to be over because we are done. Oh yes, for awhile Anger may still show up unannounced, peer into the window and do everything possible to not look like the soul-sucking vampire s/he is… Anger will probably shape shift into Shame, Guilt, Sadness, and/or Grief, but don’t be fooled by them either. No. Just no.
See, there is a reward. That reward is a multi-part thing that has to be cultivated, nurtured, and believed in by you and me. If We give up, We will become just another in the long line of dysfunctional families who perpetuate the cycle and cripple the future. The reward is here, right now, in the present. We are here because we are intent upon claiming that reward.
It is *never* too late.