I will be fine. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to interact. I want the hurt to stop but I know this is the grieving stage of my recovery. I know my thoughts are flip flopping between acceptance and grieving but not necessarily back to lack of awareness. I’m aware of it. The hurt won’t stop until I’m done feeling what I need to feel. This all seems very cliched to me. “Midlife crisis” or “she had to go ‘find herself‘”. [is that my inner critic? oh, hello.]
H is on a golf trip. I’m ending the semester in better shape than last year. It’s just now that I’ve broken all of the brittle pieces of myself apart, I’m staring at them like the jax I used to play with on my grandmother’s kitchen floor. The problem is that I’m nowhere near organized enough mentally to figure out which one to go for first. Simply overwhelming.
Here: I’m callin’ my monsters out. Depression. C-PTSD. Abuse. Fear. Hurting anyone and everyone. Soul-stealers. Face me you fuckers. Cloaking your self-destructive heartbeats, afraid to breathe but holding all of the power and unable to hold any of the jax you were lucky enough to catch. You live in that place. I know you’re there. In that place. You know the one, the place without the future…that place. That episodic place. Steeped in a neurochemical battle that looks much like the cold war, dissociation is not much of an option anymore.
That place is the nothing that I walk into when I’m feeling really busted up. I stop just inside. I couldn’t make a decision as to which way to go if my life depended upon it. and it does. So I freeze. In the charcoal black. No sound. No atmosphere. Nothing. And I think “why should I continue to do [anything, like breathe].” No hope. No future.
And this is my goddamn mind doing this to me. The whole notion of controlling one’s thoughts is treated a bit lightly in general. Sure, if it were easy we’d have nirvana. But how do I change everything about me when there’s nothing much left? All at ONCE.
That place is becoming black. I’ve been down too long. It’s time for me to turn on a light, for myself.