After a string of pleasant days with Dr. Jekyll, it wasn’t much of a surprise when Mr. Hyde once again appeared.
Long 13 hour day at work yesterday. It felt like too much too soon but I did OK. The meds are affecting my ability to find the right word and I get hung up in my speech now and then. In each of my 3 classes I had someone who I relied upon to tell me where I was [with my thought] as I would lose that train of thought and couldn’t get it back. It wasn’t embarrassing but it was somewhat internally distressing. The last class was from 6-10 p.m. (project management) and it took everything I had left, energy-wise.
I texted H after leaving the college, telling him I’d left my stuff at the apartment and that I was going to stay there tonight because I was exhausted. H and I had agreed over the weekend that he would take care of our youngest this morning (Wednesday) because of my long day/night on Tuesday. So when I texted H, I also asked if he needed me to come over to the house early to get the youngest on the bus.
It mattered to me because I needed to know what time to set my alarm. If he had a meeting that came up, I was willing/able to be there, but otherwise I needed to sleep in a bit.
I sent him another text recapping my day a little and telling him “love you, goodnight” and still no response.
Nothing this morning until he texted me to make sure I could take the oldest to school. I merely replied “yes”.
There is a big difference between a cooling off period and the silent treatment. The latter is manipulative, controlling, punishing, and I have told H (in calmer times) that I felt the worst thing he could do to me is to dismiss my existence in this way.
“Getting the silent treatment from the person closest to you can be hurtful and frustrating. The silent treatment is a manipulative tool often used by the more passive partner in the relationship, usually as a form of punishment for something that the more assertive partner is supposed to puzzle out. This way, the more passive one takes no risk while their partner squirms and tries to please them, figure out the mystery, pull them out of their shell, grovel, apologize, etc. It is a very hostile maneuver…” (elyn).
H has gone to counseling once and my thoughts have been that it takes time to deal with lifelong habits, etc., so eh, going with the flow is in order. And so I have…but I don’t have to allow the flow to drown me.
Last night, I did not squirm or try to figure out what was going on. To me, sleeping at my apartment was not a big deal, especially considering that when I was driving home from that late class after our last meeting, I caught myself nearly falling asleep in the last 10 minutes of my drive (it’s an hour each way to and from work). Last night I was not frustrated or anxious. I was damn tired and, unfortunately, familiar with the silent treatment tactic. Didn’t phase me much really.
While the behavior is his to resolve/not resolve, I do not have to put up with it, especially after just beginning to work myself out of a terribly difficult and emotional depressive episode. I’m protecting ME.
This, dear friends, IS the rest of my life.