Bratty Me

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Today I am feeling angry and resentful toward H. I believe the root cause is from stewing about the fact that he has not called for counseling. 

This is none of my business. 

What is my business is to release these feelings somehow and enjoy the little bit of solitude I have until these evening. As I was leaving this morning, H said to me “How are you doing?” I looked at him, feeling a little stumped, so I asked for clarification. “Well, you seem like you’re in a better mood. You must be doing better.” I said “I am fine. I just don’t talk about it.” He gave me a hug and I wanted to choke him. 😀

“Even if you’ve been badly treated, as in a terrible marriage, an abuse situation or a financial scandal, holding on to your outrage forever defines you by that hurt and not by the blessing of whatever time you have left on this planet going forward” (Banschick, 2011, para. 9).

Resource

Banschick, M. (2011, October 17). It’s not fair! But why should it be? [Web log post]. Retrieved from http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-intelligent-divorce/201110/its-not-fair-why-should-it-be

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18 thoughts on “Bratty Me

  1. I think this is the essence of the reason for the spiritual practice of forgiveness, which really comes down to the surrender of resentments. It’s done as much for yourself as the other. Carrie Fisher said once that “resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.” Which always makes me laugh.

    I resent people who can come up with quotes like that. 🙂 /takes deep breath

  2. Dharma, I just don’t get it. Why are you still there? Maybe I need to go back and re-read your last few posts. This toxic environment will kill you slowly. Maybe I should just shut up because it’s not really my business. I just hate for someone to endure that kind of abuse.

    • Good question. I appreciate the nudge so *do not shut up*! 🙂

      Denial. I keep hoping that Mr. Hyde will go away for good. I keep thinking that I need to be sure – absolutely 100% sure – that I have exhausted EVERYTHING before I walk away. And yes, it has been killing me slowly – or not so slowly.

      Other than that, I’ve enjoyed my quiet day.

      • Ok, I won’t shut up. That’s hard for me to do anyway. 😀 I don’t think Mr. Hyde is going away for good, but I’m not in your position. I do truly understand the “it might get better” hope. Been there, done that. In my case, something truly horrific had to happen for me to realize that the person wasn’t going to change and it just wasn’t going to get better. We all deal with this things differently, so keep in mind this is just my perspective.

      • Hooray for girls that have a hard time shutting up! Those are the girls that change the world. 😉

        Dude, I have no idea about Mr. Hyde being gone for good…or even for the interim…I just know I cannot live with the uncertainty of when the next cycle will hit. At this point, it is too damn destructive for me to handle. I simply cannot take it. This is not about quitting: it’s about stopping short of losing what’s left of my life.

        I am soooooo sorry to hear that something truly horrific had to happen! OMG! I got chills up and down my spine when I read that and I’m so sorry, even without knowing what happened. Just the description was enough.

        At this point, hope has to be backed up with action. We’re having that conversation – again – shortly. Clearer and clearer it becomes…we’re done with the cogitating.

    • Another thought: somewhere in my goofed up psyche, experience rings true that if I do pull the plug, he will punish me more – because he always does – somehow. Psychological abuse is my kryptonite. Apparently.

      • I can see that, I really can. At some point in time, hopefully, you will get to a point where you don’t care how much worse it can get, just knowing that someday you can be free of it altogether.

      • I think I’ve bottomed out – truly bottomed out. I haven’t worked in 2 weeks. I’ve never been debilitated by something like this before. There is no other option: he does what he needs to do, I do what I need to do, and that is the only way we can stay married.

        He’s coming to that realization too because I’m respectfully calling him out on his ignoring the situation. I have no desire to destroy his ego by any means, but I can’t let him destroy mine any longer.

  3. You know…when I left my ex it was terrrrrible for the first year. The mental/verbal abuse was awful because he was angry and taking it out on me by threatening (alllll the time) to take our daughter from me.

    Once I could breathe again, I realized he couldn’t take her…then I grew cajones and told him that it was obvious he couldn’t do anything which made him feel impotent…an thy it wasn’t my job to make it better for him.

    Once he started dating it got WAY better. Sort of funny thing is? As long as he has a gf & (pardon my crassness) is getting laid, things are fine. As SOON as he isn’t…he turns around and tries to take everything out on me again.

    I finally am at the point where I can tell him I don’t have to take it anymore and I refuse to speak with him when he is like that…use email. I also got a little sassy last time and suggested he try online dating! 😉 That went over like a lead fart in church…but I sure felt better!

    If/when you make the decision to leave remember: at first it is harder than it was when you were there. But then you figure out what Jennifer Connelly figured out in “Labyrinth,” that he “Has no power over you.” When that happens, buy a bottle of wine and celebrate! It is a huge milestone that you WILL reach!

  4. Wow, this was a super intense one to read and even more the comments below. Thank God, for all of us…

    Dharma, I COMPLETELY identity with where you are coming from: that you feel like you have to be 100% sure… Like ABSOLUTLEY 100% sure before you (what the abuser might make us think is) “give upon him”.

    I haven’t worked (productively) in what feels like…months, because this process of choosing me and not him feels…so…counter-intuitive.

    The thing that has occured to me, however, in the last few weeks (I haven’t seen my ex in almost 1.5 mos now – long time for us) is that yes, I have this nagging feeling that he MAY make the change/see the light/get struck by lightening…But I have this pretty much equally excrutiating nagging feeling that I only “survive” being with him when I am…and that my end will come if I stay. BUT ALSO, as I sit here apart from him, making the choice every day to not contact him and to work so hard to find the core of me that I have never found before I fight the idea that I will NOT or NEVER want to see him again. I am here with myself, looking deeper inside every day, alone, and better for it, but in my heart there is no such thing as never. I am deepening my yoga practice, deepening my meditation practice and the ABSOLUTLEY most poignant message that comes out of those every day is that I must do what is BEST for ME in each moment. Not what is best for me forever. There is no such thing as forever. Even in our separation from our partners. It is only today. And the thing I have had to try to hold onto instead of the “never”, “forever” and “indefinitely” ideas, because they scare the shit out of me no matter who or what I am talking about, is that I do find some cjnfort in deciding, only for today, that it is not good for me to live with G, to talk with G, to respond to G, to try to help G… Today. If that turns into a week or a month or a year, it is my choice to have taken care of myself, but it is his choice to have stayed away from me for drink. I don’t get to (have to) blame myself for us not being together. He knows I love him very much. And he knows what I will am am capable of doing for he and I.

    Today is a painful day, because he is not here or I am not here, but it is the best day I could possibly have right now. And he is as grown up and as powerful as me – I have to give him that – because he is a human being with choices… And I have faith he will use his power in the best way he knows how in his own good time. (Un)Fortunately that has to happen with us being apart…

    Ok…end of that.
    I am so glad I am following you Dharma. I mean to be here more, and hope that whatever I have blathered here makes some sense or gives some comfort.
    Big Hug.

    • Shantelle, You are indeed WONDERFUL!

      I read your response a few times (as I often do when someone writes a lot of thought-provoking things). It’s funny that you wrote that today is today, not forever, in a few different forms. I recently told a friend who was struggling with a break up that “it doesn’t have to be forever – just for now.”

      Dude, I can soooo give advice to someone else but I try not to lose sight of how difficult it is to carry out such things. Moreover, I try very hard to be compassionate to anyone in tough relationship situations because the heartache and pain is *real*. Very, very real.

      People can judge all day long and say “you should do this” and “you should do that” and even as much as there are days when I am DYING for someone to *tell me what the freak to do*, I know that’s not how it should be. Only the person in the situation can decide.

      I was reminded of this sort of thing last night when H asked me who Rhianna was and I told him a little about her abuse story. Everyone criticized her, publicly and viciously, saying what she SHOULD do, but nobody was in her shoes except for her.

      That said, I am infinitely grateful for friends such as yourself who honestly and without judgment, give me the feedback and input I sincerely want and need. Reading regular entries such as yours remind me how tough some struggles can be and that I’m not alone, even if I feel like it sometimes.

      Thank you thank you thank you, as always!

      XO, D

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