Calling in the cavalry…

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A couple of weeks ago, I asked a colleague for referral(s) for trauma and dissociation counsellors in my area. Today I finally initiated contact with one of the two recommendations. Her office is closed today but it was a first step which, for whatever reason, I couldn’t take due to the paralysis of my increasing shut down. I simply have not been functioning and it was become increasingly worse over the past 10 days.

H came home yesterday from his business trip. Uneventful. I did my usual “existing” and we had a very nice family dinner. My oldest son took it upon himself to prepare part of the meal and his girlfriend had dinner with us as well. I enjoy their company, despite feelings of general anhedonia.

The break from H was really helpful. I don’t know how long I’m going to feel that relief but I intend to layer therapy and [potentially] meds on the process as soon as possible to avoid further incapacitation. I recognize that I am likely experiencing a major depressive episode after several years of what my previous therapist called dysthymia.

Here’s what I’ve got going for me:

  1. I now understand the root cause is C-PTSD.
  2. I have processed and grieved many things of the past.
  3. I do not have pockets of lost memories as adult survivors of abuse sometimes do.
  4. I understand that my depression is somewhat anticipated after a period of extreme stress and anxiety.
  5. I understand I cannot continue to live my life the way I have been and that I have to rebuild from the ground up.

I am generally pretty stable and know that even the most stable individuals can be knocked off their foundation when something large enough happens in life. In my case, it’s been a cluster of large, stressful events which would derail pretty much anyone. Although I may feel like I’m at the breaking point mentally and emotionally, I am grateful that I don’t have scary symptoms such as psychosis or DID. My body is just stating for the record “OK, enough already. Let’s get the process organized.”

Having the capacity to stand back from things is encouraging. So OK, I’m pretty normal, all things considered.

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