Lately I have become prone to avoiding going out. I am constantly craving solitude and, perhaps, isolation. I need these things to recharge. I am teetering on the precipice of something ugly (or awesome), but still on the positive side of the pivot point. I am subtly focused on avoidance of stimuli associated with severe stressors. So what are those stimuli? What are those severe stressors?
- TV, especially sports and violent shows. I cannot tolerate this at all and it makes me want to climb the fucking walls.
- Loud noises.
- Not hearing someone enter the room.
- Any noise at night.
- My husband talking to me. Any time. All the time.
- Sleeping with H.
- Him asking me where I am at the beginning of conversations. freeze
- H making plans for the weekend when it’s only Monday. Feeling controlled. Smothering
- Not having any time to myself and if I get it, I steal it and usually pay in stress.
- Being exhausted because I’m exceptionally hypervigilant.
- H wants sex. I’d rather cut off my head.
- Being emotionally drained on the heels of accepting that unless H gets counseling for himself, we can’t go any further.
- Waiting for the next question, which always requires some commitment on my part, which will cause freeze, which causes stress, which…well…whatever.
Mentally I am feeling delicate. I need to get the pillow off of my face. WHY CAN’T I JUST TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS???