So, what is this…

um

Lately I have become prone to avoiding going out. I am constantly craving solitude and, perhaps, isolation. I need these things to recharge. I am teetering on the precipice of something ugly (or awesome), but still on the positive side of the pivot point. I am subtly focused on avoidance of stimuli associated with severe stressors. So what are those stimuli? What are those severe stressors?

Stimuli:

  • TV, especially sports and violent shows. I cannot tolerate this at all and it makes me want to climb the fucking walls.
  • Loud noises.
  • Not hearing someone enter the room.
  • Yelling.
  • Any noise at night.
  • My husband talking to me. Any time. All the time.
  • Sleeping with H.

Stressors:

  • Him asking me where I am at the beginning of conversations. freeze
  • H making plans for the weekend when it’s only Monday. Feeling controlled. Smothering
  • Not having any time to myself and if I get it, I steal it and usually pay in stress.
  • Being exhausted because I’m exceptionally hypervigilant.
  • H wants sex. I’d rather cut off my head.
  • Being emotionally drained on the heels of accepting that unless H gets counseling for himself, we can’t go any further.
  • Waiting for the next question, which always requires some commitment on my part, which will cause freeze, which causes stress, which…well…whatever.

Mentally I am feeling delicate. I need to get the pillow off of my face. WHY CAN’T I JUST TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS???

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6 thoughts on “So, what is this…

  1. I’m an introvert, too, and the things you list have resonance with me. It sounds like a Catch-22. I could be way off base, but does the following sound about right?:

    You need space and silence in order to be able to think, to sort things out, recharge, to feel safe. You need the sense that if you go to him that it’s because you want to, with free choice, but everything he does makes you not want to. He is in a panic because he feels you slipping away from the only you-him bonds he knows, and he does not understand the emotional reasons, nor does he, in his fear, seem capable of much empathy. He seeks control because he may be the kind of person who needs to know how things are going to turn out, and this situation is, by definition, terrifying. You are changing the rules. He’s in survival mode.

    It’s very dangerous for you right now. Please be careful. Don’t despair, though. It’s one step at a time but it will get better.

    • Thank you for your kind words and the caution. You are correct on your read of the situation. I can feel the danger…especially every time I put up a boundary or show signs of individuation.

  2. Pingback: Taking space…or stealing it…whichever | Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me

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