I cannot tell him anything without having it backfire. I have been unbelievably calm, loving, carefully choosing neutral words, watching my body language, smiling more, and being present. I tried to gently tell him that his anger is a problem. When I have tried to tell him this before, that it scares me and sends me into an anxious dissociation, he competes and um IDK, tries to one up me? I’m just emotionally tired of that. He is intentionally roadblocking whether it is pathological or not. I don’t even care what “it” is called anymore! He is terrified! Let’s not forget that this is not an even playing field here. Too much volatility and I can no longer shepherd his problems to a better place. I protected him from *everything* and my rationale was in error.
But now I know.
And guess what – I’m not gonna proofread this posting either. So there! Screw the tags! ha!
So if I can’t express myself without great risk of retaliation and zero chance of listening, how do I release something I can’t catch?
H1: The expression does not need to involve the husband to facilitate release.
Ho: I’m really tired. 🙂
Poorly written idea: What if I recorded myself saying exactly what I needed to say, as expressive and honest as I need to be – including not lying to myself through a different type of dissociation…would the act of audibly expressing it, replaying it to myself and then releasing any attachment to what I cannot control, help me to jettison the mental ick?
Yeah. I know. Needs work. However, I think I’m going to abandon my research head and just freakin’ do it. It’s damn time.
You won’t listen to me? Fine.
I WILL LISTEN TO ME.