Um…I’m not sure how I’m feeling

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No “victim stance” allowed. No beating myself up or acting as a Monday morning quarterback allowed. 

I am kind of confused and astonished that I couldn’t see what I had sought as the basis for the rest of my life was a continuation of what I was familiar with: subtle abuse mixed with sometimes not-so-subtle. I can see what a huge challenge it is and will always be in terms of releasing myself from what I’m DOING to myself. 

Dude, that is some serious paradox material. 

I’ve given myself a little break because there was no way I could discern what was normal and what wasn’t until I dug in deep. I had no frame of reference. 

Those obstacles have never gotten in my way before and they won’t now. I can research and teach myself but no amount of intellectual inclination will make up for blind spots borne out of dysfunctional experiences. Somewhere along the line I think I’d hoped it’d magically level out…um, it didn’t. [/laughing!]

It’s disappointing that I can’t talk to my parents about all of this. I accept it though. They are still an active part of what is dangerous to me and I handle those relationships very carefully. [Man keep your head down, don’t be a hero…]

I’m feeling grief that H has so much good and has come quite far with his anger, just not far enough before things escalated. I’m grieving the idea that our marriage might not be able to be saved, not matter what *I* do. Hasn’t that been the problem? Me thinking it was all up to me and – of course – not being able to live up to that ridiculous standard. Yes, I see the circular reasoning. 

I’m sitting with the feelings and being ok with them. I’m pushing back the dread of having a difficult conversation with H and finally using the word “abusive” and solidifying new boundaries. 

It just is. 

I’ve got to go smash that voice in my head that says “well yeah, if you could have just kept your mouth shut and played along and not been so damn worries about your ‘happiness’ [snort, selfish little bitch] then we wouldn’t be in this predicament would we? But noooooo, you had to go and get all ‘enlightened’ and ‘educated’ on all of that psychobabble that justifies your selfishness. Nice.

It’s got to go. 

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