In the cold harsh light of morning…

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I have had several realizations over the past few years and I need to memorialize these truths and remind myself of them often. It’s too easy to distrust my gut, so I’ve made a list.

  1. Only H can change his behavior.
  2. H’s behavior will not change without extreme work on his part.
  3. I accept that change, in this regard, is totally up to H.
  4. I acknowledge the death of the fantasy/dream of what I thought my life was.
  5. I acknowledge my current reality.
  6. I understand that I cannot save anyone, including myself, from feeling sadness and loss.
  7. I understand that I must own my enabling behaviors.
  8. I accept that the situation has escalated and progressed, in part, because of my enabling behaviors.
  9. I firmly believe that past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior.
  10. I believe H is capable of change.
  11. I will continue to work on forgiving myself on all fronts.
  12. I will not expose my children to any further abuse.
  13. I will model healthy behaviors for my children.
  14. I will focus on accountability in terms of behaviors for myself and for my children.
  15. I will continue work toward healing my emotional scars.
  16. I will NOT lose sight of the small progresses along the way, however, I will not allow those small progresses to become mirages that serve as coping mechanisms that obscure and twist reality.
  17. I will consciously avoid rewriting history.
  18. I will consciously avoid reliving history, specifically the “if only I had done X” statements.
  19. I will not torture myself and I will not allow H to gaslight me or enable my variety of self-torture.
  20. I will not buy into the lies of “you made me do X” or “you made my life a mess and you’re responsible for my anger”.
  21. I will not enable my own addiction in this relationship, or any other relationship.
  22. I will no longer hurt myself by not wanting to see the situation for what it is or engage in stuffing down the truth.
  23. I will allow myself to feel happiness.
  24. I will not tell myself that I do not deserve to be happy.
  25. I will develop healthy coping skills to stop the freezing and insulate myself appropriately from H’s negativity.
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4 thoughts on “In the cold harsh light of morning…

  1. Wow that was a lot of work, a lot of thinking, it is so cumbersome and complex.

    I would have a tough time with all this to remember.

    My journey has remained simple after sitting, meditating, observing my trauma memories and fear.

    I focus n now, on my breath and let go of all 25 sentences for not thinking, for emptying my mind and letting the ego, the barrier to freedom rest, go dormant for a while.

    Not thinking, not judging, accepting life and me healed me. Many ways out.

    Good healing

    Marty

    • Thanks Marty! Great observations for sure. I’ve been resting and recharging because all of this can be depleting, if I’m not mindful.

      As to the list, I’m prone to rethinking something I’ve already carefully analyzed. In research, that’s a good thing. In private life, it’s a trap. 🙂 I need to simplify some things for myself so a list was in order.

      Thanks again!

      D

  2. Wow, so glad you wrote those down, what an incredible journey to a list full of wisdom! I especially love the title, for me it shows your progression from the darkness into the light – the dawning of a new day when all things are possible and YOU get to choose what to make of it…

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