Time to quantify.

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Moving away from the abstract toward the quantifiable is sometimes the only way I can figure things out. The abstract represents something I cannot or will not see. The abstract also represents a comfort zone fraught with self-torture and dissociation.

The questions of today are something like this:

  1. Why do I keep fucking up?
  2. Do I want to self-destruct?
  3. If I don’t want to self-destruct, why do I keep doing things that are self-sabotaging?
  4. Can I just stop certain behaviors “cold turkey”?
  5. Can I ever truly be honest with myself?
  6. What programs are running inside of my head that need to be unplugged?

I am somewhat able to see some patterns of behavior. I’m getting down to the nitty gritty. I am reminding myself that cats only have 9 lives and my ability to somehow always land on my feet does not mean that I should not continuously put myself in that position. Life could be so much more relaxed and enjoyable if I stopped these addictive behaviors.

Answers:

1. Fucking up is a perspective. I could deceive myself and say these mistakes are really lessons – and they are – but the heart of the matter is that they’re not even mistakes but rather bad choices that might be impulsive and perhaps compulsive. I have to call these things what they really are: addictive behaviors.

2. Sometimes I think I delude myself into believing I do want to self-destruct. This is a reflection of my self-hatred that is not healthy.

3. Addictive behaviors that relate to other items on this list. There is no substance involved, however, with regard to relationships [as a major area of focus] and work/other things [more minor foci] this behavior is underlying. These addictive behaviors become comfort zones and the urge to recreate dysfunction/dysfunctional relationships because that’s the primary framework I developed very early in life.

4. Radical change attempts will only set me up for failure. This would be a form of self-sabotage which would be an unwise choice. For me, incremental change is the only pathway to lasting change.

5. The question should be “will I?” vs. “can I?” There’s no other option here. I now understand that self-deception is far more lethal than deceiving others. I cannot be whole within myself if I am living in my ego and feeding my false sense of self. Without being whole, I am not going to allow myself to live an authentic life. This will adversely affect all areas of my life until I stop creating my own pain.

6. The Codependent Tapes. It’s time to stop. It’s time to live in the now. It’s time to create a better reality and destroy the tapes.

How do I accomplish the above?

  • Awareness. How am I interacting with people and situations? Am I reactive or am I responsive? Where are my buttons – what triggers me?
  • Understand the steps required to recognize dissociation and halt those behaviors before they become destructive.
  • Develop concrete goals that I can incrementally focus upon and track progress.
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