Without a damn compass sometimes it’s hard to tell where I am. GPS has failed. This is new territory. So what do I do? Try to work through it.
“Don’t push the river, it flows by itself” (Stevens, 1970).
Well, I tried to explain to H before I left that I’m frustrated with freezing but learning how to work through it. I tried to explain that this is a part of me that never grew up and the voices in my head tell me I’m selfish, uncaring, mean, and other things. I told him it was no reflection on him but that I have a tremendous problem with saying no, merely because I mentally skip the part about asking what do I want.
“I don’t give a shit what you do! I really don’t.”
The last part qualifies it as a distortion. Compensation shaken with anger, stirred with a jab in a beautiful martini glass that looks like emotional abuse.
“Men will get angry at their wives for showing emotions that they themselves suppress and afraid to show. When you start crying over things, it may evoke the same feeling inside and his little voice may say ‘Men don’t cry,’ so what you may get in return is an angry outburst that will attempt to suppress your cry” (tadasland, n.d.)
All I wanted was a little compassion. Earlier all I wanted was for him to stop fucking around with his phone, sorting through the son’s papers, whatever! Just please pay attention to me. Somehow, that only seems to happen in my clothes are off. Honest, I am not hard to look at with them on…
After bawling my eyes out for awhile, I fixed myself an unbelievably decadent salad. Then I got a text: “just some business matters…blah, blah, blah.”
Is this manipulative in that he’s trying to draw me in for whatever purpose?
For now, I’m not biting.
- Test the level of self-compassion you feel (rupacoach.wordpress.com)
- Toxic Narcissism in Relationships: Top 10 Warning Signs You’re Being Gaslighted (projectblissful.com)
- Power of Words in the Wrong Hands (carlielace.wordpress.com)
- Narcissists Lack Empathy (and how to counteract his influence with my children) (livingtransparently.wordpress.com)
- : The Superego and When it Gets Out of Control (psych.answers.com)
- Toxic Love: Understanding Narcissistic Rage (projectblissful.com)
- I am so angry! Right? (the12promises.com)
- Can Narcissists Change? (psychologytoday.com)
- Beware… (lifebegins45.wordpress.com)
- The Dance Between Codependents & Narcissists (psychcentral.com)