It’s funny how the communities we form in virtual environments can hold so much tangible value. Eh, we’ll get all deep and introspective another time with that. Good topic though.
Had dinner with H and youngest son tonight. Observations that recur:
- Uh yeah, it really is all about him. (At one point I had myself convinced it was the “new job” stage. Uh uh. It’s just always been that way.)
- The negativity that he throws off is astounding.
- It is a lot of work for me to ground and shield when I’m around him. I told him he doesn’t realize how intimidating he can be. At first he got pissed, but then he either ignored me or was thinking about it. IDK. It wasn’t my problem.
- I catch myself wondering “if he changed this and this, could we…” OK WHAT? Did you hear yourself thinking? gah. [shaking my head, continuing the work away from reaction…]
- I catch myself wondering what kind of magnificent illusion I ordered up – with a side of self-torture, of course. In other words, when I’m away from the weight of the negativity I am a different person! whoa mama. Let’s chew on that a bit shall we…
Something relatively serious happened last weekend and I’ll write about it when I am able. It’s too raw right now. Nothing directly between me and H. My oldest son got into some trouble. He’s OK but…well…we’ll talk later about it.
Back to the point: I observe myself to be calmer, healthier, and far less fatigued. I don’t think I could have handled the latest events without having that basis. My dean told me I’m a different person. She is correct.
I don’t usually respond to the negative behavior anymore. I just deflect. Nope. Now I don’t have to and it’s really easy to end those phone calls. boop! Done. I just don’t participate. However, I know the more often I have to deal with him the more I’ll have to work and I don’t want to do that. Don’t ask me what that means. It just is. Don’t ask me what the implications are because I’ll tell you there are none. It just is.
Letting things unfold does not mean sitting on one’s backside. Quite the opposite actually. Releasing control does not equate to apathy, it means that one has caught a glimpse of the fact that they can’t control the doggone universe. No, everything is not about you (i.e., something to be taken personally).
Everything – and I mean everything – is sooooo much simpler than we make it.
“Ego: dismount!” [ha]