This is an individual lesson that will plague you until…

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you face it.

I was responding to another blogger and got carried away. I was writing to @Passive Aggressive Abuse and realized that I had written some things I needed to expand upon – without hijacking another blogger’s entry 🙂

The topic I was writing about was mainly the experiences I had before pulling the trigger to move out. My blog is evidence of the torture I inflicted upon myself and this lesson had to be learned alone. I had soooo many awesome people in my real life and in my blogosphere telling me that the danger to my long-term mental health was real. I knew it too. In response to my therapist’s question, I told her that I would rather sacrifice my existence than to assert myself to be happy. That was when she cried.

Now I know why.

@Passive Aggressive Abuse was writing about the feeling of relief and freedom whilst being out and away from home, doing something relaxing and low key. The blogger recounted wondering to herself why she couldn’t just be happy with what she had. [hey, I know that song!] I felt badly because I know exactly what that push/pull of relaxed and ok (away) vs. tense and anxiety-ridden (home). So I wrote:

“I…didn’t believe my intuition. I didn’t trust myself. I asked why I couldn’t be happy with what I had, just as you stated above. Don’t poison yourself anymore with that sort of self-defeating behavior. I mean it. If you are going to emerge from this experience with any self-worth at all, you have got to stop with the negative self-talk and completely disengage from looking for any negativity in your H. If you need to make a change for your well-being, then take the time to breathe. I didn’t believe ANYBODY when they said these things to me, though I knew they were right. What I kept searching for was a reason to believe that what I knew I needed was correct with regard to my intuition. I didn’t even think enough of myself to trust my own warning mechanisms. I broke myself. I did that. Nobody else did. I thought I could hold on, cope, deflect, hide in my work, and on and on. And I masterfully did it for awhile. Then the load became too much to carry because I no longer knew who I was, let alone whether or not I could trust “her” (i.e., the person I’d become). It was/wasn’t a big surprise for me. I knew it was coming, but I thought I could handle absolutely anything.

It was an illusion. One that I’d created, and one that I had to destroy so I could build something true in its place. I had to let go of everything and simply trust myself for the first time in my life; for real.

Ya know what happened? Nothing. All of that crap that I was terrified of was fear that I manufactured, while all the while I was looking for reasons to use H’s poor behavior [yikes!] to justify my distrust of my own opinions about *my* life that was entirely fear based. Whoa.

I’m telling you right now, my separation literally saved my life. I wasn’t suicidal, I was just ready to concede to non-existence. Permanently. Until one day I said “nope, this isn’t working and in some form I need to maintain this relationship – but I have to build one with myself first.” I was told I was selfish (yes, but not in the derogatory way he said it to me) and that it was good for me but everyone else would suffer. I believed it too. One day I told myself I was full of sh&%. I called myself out and said “now. No more waiting. No perfect time will come.”

The relief has been unbelievable. Don’t know what it means, and don’t need to right now. I’m busy saving myself for a change.”

It’s all true.

Tomorrow is my 22nd wedding anniversary. Apparently golf fell through so after I squared away that I didn’t like feeling like leftover plans, which he didn’t intend and I believe him, we made dinner plans. I think he wants to get laid. LOL! I say this with all amusement and no malice whatsoever. I have zero sex drive. Pushed the body too far with stress, and now that part is in rehab. Eh. We’ll see. I’m not set on an outcome in any direction but I’m a hell of a lot more opinionated and boundary-oriented than I used to be. It’s just dinner (ha!).

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9 thoughts on “This is an individual lesson that will plague you until…

  1. Woah! All these things I have been bravely contemplating the last week you are taking action on. My thoughts and yours are speaking the same language. I have to think the timing of me finding your blog is no coincidence!!

    • I hope that’s comforting. I remember reading others’ blogs that were a little ahead of me in terms of the general process of figuring these sorts of things out. At the time, I couldn’t imagine myself getting beyond where I was stuck. Then, one day, it was time to get unstuck. I felt like I had lots of wisdom and experiences from those who had been through similar things that could inform my decisions and choices. I view those things as gifts that helped me immensely.

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