Alternative title: What I got from my affair that I wasn’t getting from my marriage…
The truth about truth is that it comes up when it comes up, ready or not. In writing a response to one of my favorite fellow bloggers (@bombladoze) I saw an opportunity to dig a little deeper, in detail, into something I needed to worth through.
Why did I have an affair? What did I get from the other man that I couldn’t/wouldn’t ask for from my H?
For now I will merely set forth a list. In later blog posts I may explain some items in detail. It depends upon what depths of introspection are required to exorcise these demons…
- Acceptance of Me for who I really am as opposed to an illusion that has been co-created over the lifespan of 25 years.
- Lightheartedness and laughter.
- The opportunity to unwind my constant anxiety and to stop feeling like I was going to be “in trouble” all of the time.
- Someone who saw me as perfectly imperfect and loved me anyway. (Fantasy-world notwithstanding, the feelings were genuine in both directions and I am grateful for the lessons I learned from my AP.)
- Someone who didn’t take me for granted.
- Eye contact and therefore the depth of connection that I craved.
- The freedom to do what I wanted without hearing it was wrong or without hearing a step-by-step litany of instructions on how to do it before I even started. Or, worse yet, a controlled dictation of every choice I made or would make, in one way or another.
- A release from the transactional [albeit necessary] drudges of daily life [read “reality”].
- Sexual expansion, newness and excitement; feeling desirable.
- An outlet for my need to save someone [else].
- An opportunity for me to reexamine myself and to begin the process of challenging what I believed to be “constraints” and “restrictions” in my life.
- An opportunity to practice Tantra in the spiritual sense (not only in the sexual sense) with a partner who was well-versed in this practice and other related practices.
- Intellectual stimulation in areas I had not previously experienced.
- An opportunity to be heard, really heard, without being dismissed.
- An opportunity to release the pain and self-inflicted suffering I had been carrying around for most of my life.
- An opportunity to have some relief from the horrible realization that my relationship wasn’t working.
The outcomes produced the following opportunities for:
- Forgiveness for myself for being ill-equipped and too weak-minded to be more aggressive in telling my H that the relationship wasn’t working.
- Forgiveness for H’s tenacious hold on illusions and unwillingness to admit there was a problem for many years.
- An honest examination Me as an individual, rather than Me as a part of a couple.
- Total acceptance of the light and the dark within Me.
- Become a better person and ensure I would do whatever it takes to avoid repeating the same mistakes.
- Be OK with the unknown.
- Take responsibility for the hurt I caused and to make amends, wherever possible.
- Explore the idea that my marriage and my affair may constitute my drug(s) of choice (i.e., how do “addiction” or addictive behaviors fit in?).
- Stop hiding from myself and to learn to speak My Truth so I can reawaken/awaken higher parts of Me.
- Address my lifelong relationship with codependency, shame, guilt, and self-defeating behaviors and put an end to as many of those behaviors as possible.
- Build new behavioral and interpersonal relationship frameworks, dispensing with efforts to repair old ones that clearly weren’t working.
- Begin again and decide what I want my life to be, freeing myself from the ideas of what someone else thinks I should be and busting the illusion of living for someone else.
- Learn how to set healthy boundaries and give up the notion that I can/should fix/save someone else.
- Fully and finally recognize what abuse is and commit to myself that I will not allow it in any form.
- Recognize that when I do not learn lessons from what has been presented to me that those lessons will keep coming up until I do learn and change.
- Learn how to feel and not just pretend to feel.
In short, it was a rebellion it the negative and positive sense and I have paid dearly for it. The whole thing would be for naught if I didn’t break down and surrender to the fact that there was a whole lot of dysfunction building up over my lifetime which I needed to address. It takes a lot of courage to look into the dark, dank catacombs of one’s psyche but it must be done, otherwise, recovery is not possible and illusions will prevail.
- 2 Absolute Truths You Need To Understand About Relationships (thoughtcatalog.com)
- How to Get out of a Bad Relationship (lafemmeroar.wordpress.com)
- Addictive vs. Healthy Relationships (psychcentral.com)
- I’m a Love Addict. (elephantjournal.com)
- When is it time to leave a relationship? (psychologytoday.com)
- Applying Tantra to Everyday Fears (thepracticalpriestess.wordpress.com)
- An in-depth divorce story: getting to the truth, life lessons, and more (dhillr.wordpress.com)
- 15 signs you get when dangerously addicted to men Posted by: Oyediran Iyinoluwa (reggzmagazineng.wordpress.com)