A tool I will work on this week…

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It’s time to strengthen my boundary-setting muscles. When H attempts to usurp and control my time and overwhelm my thoughts, as I allow him to do, I’m going to try to practice not responding.

Example: another text exchange tonight about the ominous problems that lie ahead if I don’t work a frigging miracle and get our youngest into latchkey. Believe me, I am intelligent problem-solver who does not see a box which confines possibilities. I have stolen time, juggled multiple priorities, and done the impossible for years. This is nothing new. That sort of thing has always been my responsibility, even when H was in the domestic driver’s seat. I do not need a reminder, over and over again, which only creates a feeling of pressure and stress on my end. I have told him this a gazillion times but he still does it…as if I’m not already recognizing and trying to plan for these things.

Yes, yes, I know you have a new job. Bully for you. Yes, yes, I know you cannot be flexible with your schedule like you told me you would when you were interviewing. Yes, yes, I know it’s going to be a bitch to get him to school. Yes, yes, I know that two days a week I have to be in the classroom at 9:30, which is an hour away, and the school bus comes at 8:35. Yes, yes, I know ALL of this. What is your motivation for pounding it into my head?? Seriously!

This crazy making must end. Is this bullying or what? I don’t understand but I am not going to allow it any more. It’s time that he starts treating me like the intelligent, responsible, Big Girl that I am and always have been. Maybe this is the age difference but I presently find any rationalization to be irrelevant. In fact, these are symptoms of why we are where we are.

Enough. The next response will be no response. If he pushes further, I will likely get to the point of where I calmly tell him these things and he’ll get pissed and that will be that. Just do your thing man, I got this covered.

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4 thoughts on “A tool I will work on this week…

    • (I had to re-read my post to figure out the age difference reference – I’m scattered today!)

      Almost 12 years between me and H – he’s older. The more I understand about myself, the more I understand why it’s such an issue, and why I was attracted to him in the first place…paging Dr. Freud! 😉

      • I had 20 years with J. Largest difference ever. It probably wouldn’t have worked forever but I would still try.

      • It’s an interesting dynamic and I wonder if it all would depend upon the personality types. hmmm…I don’t think it all mattered nearly as much as it did when he found himself “retired” – which didn’t last – and it was supposedly my turn to go hard at my career. He wasn’t happy or able to do the domestic operations manager thing, even though he was teaching courses as an adjunct for me. He found teaching to be immensely gratifying, but ended up deciding he needed the fulfillment of going back to work. I think it’s awesome but for the fact that I feel like the timing sucked and that it’s a distraction from our problems. Not to mention the fact that it feels like a broken promise to me because I’m nearly back to the place I was before, only I’m juggling the professorate with no air cover. [nice.]

        Frankly, this would be a hell of a lot easier if I could do it all by myself. I think I might be saying the same things over and over…

        Bottom line: the chronology is not as important as the foundation.

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