Struggling with an attachment…apparently…

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Ooooh now we’re gettin’ to that juicy nasty stuff Pema Chodron talks about…I’ve been looking at breaking down attachment as part of my life plan – some say recovery plan but frankly, we are all in recovery, in perpetuum- so it’s more of a long term thing. I digress. (and fragment…)

My status: I’m at the apartment. Last night I just told H I was leaving. Right away he caught my directness and lack of intent to take bullshit. He started winding up into bully mode and I shut him down. Fast. I was not arrogant. I was not mean. Hell, I wasn’t even mad. I was damn direct. And professional, not that it has an absolute value in interpersonal relationships, but it’s a focused part of myself that I need to access more often. I was up a lot of the night but somehow managed to sleep 7 hours. This morning, I felt absolutely fatigued and drained. Like a hangover with no alcohol. Emotionally wiped the hell out. 

H texted me this morning to say hello and send a pic of the lily in the pond that sprang up over night. Said he would like to call me later if I didn’t mind. I texted him back and said now was fine. He was exceptionally apologetic and, somehow, stated the essence of what I’ve been wanting to hear for a long time, which mirrored – of course – my feelings on the separation and the potential benefits. 

I didn’t gloat, I didn’t celebrate, I didn’t really do feel anything. Intellectually I did, because it registered. Emotionally, nada. I was too emotionally fatigued and while I don’t like that non-reaction reaction, it just was. 

That’s all I’ve got to say about that. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

So this attachment dealio…there’s an outcome that I became a bit fixated on, not really related to my relationship stuff, nothing big, but related to something that revealed some interesting (albeit appalling) things I realized about myself. [Ooooh goodie! Yay! Now we are getting to the GOOD STUFF!] Dude, I saw something in the way of mistakes I’ve made in the past in terms of getting stuck on a specific outcome and I was awestruck. Or horrified. Or both. At the same time I was also crazy with glee. [ok, what tha…] There I was, staring down this big, smelly, nasty conceptualization or negative thought pattern and I punched it in the face. Actually, I had to punch it a few times. Kinda like Fight Club. 😀

What followed was this very, very brief moment where I realized that attachment was floating away. I felt an amazing expansiveness in my breath. I floated away too. The whole Universe. Peaceful. None of this is personal in life. It just is. I am. We are. 

Then just like that, it was over. 

I smiled. 

This is exactly what I imagined about this time to get my head back on my shoulders. My practice is centering and I’m just letting things happen. There are going to be some rough moments, as everyone who’s been through this can attest. The glee that I feel when I can really reap the benefits from my diverse studies is such a gift. 

“Are you using knowledge or is knowledge using you?” don Miguel Ruiz, Jr. 

 

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