A little help over here please?

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Schedules…no facilitation, pained “cooperation”…awesome.

I have been furiously completing paperwork over the past 48 hours for the kids’ return to school as well as coordinating before/after school care, and trying to get my apartment ready for manchild inhabitation. I asked H last night if he had any input on the schedule and he said no. I told him it would be great if he worked with me on this and his only response was “put something together, I’m sure it’ll be fine.” He said the same thing again this morning. He also said “I’m sure the sooner you get away the sooner you won’t be miserable any more” but it was more of a jab than sympathetic.

As to the schedule, here’s the thing: I put something together and Mr. Passive/Aggressive becomes Mr. Controlling in a large child’s body. Then the complaints begin…and I juggle to try to do the impossible which is make him happy. Yes, yes, yes, I know. Fageddaboudit.

H just started a new job which, of course, has consumed the universe. Oldest son has the last of his driver’s ed, which he did not finish at the beginning of the summer so I will be schlepping him back and forth in between meetings. I will be taking my youngest son to work with me 3 days next week while I get pounded with faculty meetings. The good news is that I’ll be able to duck out of non-essential crap. Our youngest is a happy, fun kid and he will be fine wherever I take him, just like our oldest was when he was younger. Plus, taking my kid to college with me will be amusing. The people I work with are awesome in terms of being nice. Competence – well, we don’t need to discuss that now do we…

Boy I hope latchkey comes through…I just started the process. Oh well, can’t worry. I just thought of a Plan B. 🙂

H is just watching me go, fixing problems and making things happen. He told me this morning “well I can’t start a new job and then be leaving all of the time.” I told him I’m not asking anything from him. He made a point over the past 4 nights to talk about how we’re spending too much $$, despite his having a new job in 6 figures…OK. Whatever. I’m going to buy whatever I need to buy to make things comfortable for me and my kids and he’s going to just have to suck it up as he sits here in our well-appointed, three-quarter of a million dollar home. [grrrrr] I made sure I didn’t take any furniture anybody would miss and when I asked him about one of the chairs in the bedroom he said no. NO? Seriously? OK, whatever – again. There is nothing aside from my piano in this house that I am desperately wishing for. Second hand and bargain basement accoutrements are just fine for me. I don’t forget where I came from and I’ll suck this up, for now. I do not see a War of the Roses in either of our futures. This is just excess snark.

Today’s mantra: “It’ll all be fine. It’ll all be fine. It’ll all be fine.

I’ve been working miracles for years! 😉

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14 thoughts on “A little help over here please?

  1. I think I went back and forth a bit. When my Ex chose to move out of the bedroom and sleep in my son’s room I was upset that she took over his space and forced him to share a room with his brother. We had just spent a ton of time cleaning out a back storage room and this finally ended up being her home until I moved out. Even while I was in school I picked up things for her to use, including a bed I took time out from school to pick up on Freecycle. There were times when I was snarky and angry. When I moved out I asked about anything I took…except the TV. I kept things to mostly stuff I had before we got married and I bought new furniture for the apartment. My Ex dumped a lot of stuff in the house when I moved back in and I am still slowly getting rid of things.

    I think once you are in your new space you’ll be happy.

    • We’ve agreed on everything thus far because I’ve only taken things that weren’t noticeable and/or from my apartment when I was near campus during the final year of my PhD. I’ve pulled things out of the trash (e.g., futon) at the apartment 🙂 and refinished it. None of this is really a big deal.

      The important thing I took from your response is the oscillating moods I should expect. I sort of knew that already, especially given the fact that H is moody…but it was good to hear a reminder.

      • His moods will most likely be fear driven. Fear of change, fear of losing you permanently, etc. The most likely response will show as anger.

      • Spot on. He’s articulated that to me. I’m afraid of trying to reassure him – which is what he wants – when neither of us can be certain of how this will play out.

      • Yes. Either that or come up with a standard answer until you really know what you want/need. Looking back she and I both allowed the other to trigger and engage and things often went sour when they didn’t need to be

      • Maybe something like “I’m taking time and space to heal…to allow us both a chance to breathe and refocus…”

  2. Gotcha. That’s kind of where my head was. Most of the time I don’t “bite” but every now and then I’m tired and cranky too. It’s very rare that I retort though.

  3. re: healing. Yes. That has been my main talking point but what I’ve found is 1) he doesn’t see the need and 2) he thinks we can accomplish this far better if we are in the same house so we can “work on things”. I definitely cannot say “I’m smothering and I’m better when I’m not around you.”

  4. Not only will it all be fine, it is fine. It’s easy to get so caught in the whirlwind of daily stuff (school prep, house cleaning, etc.), and I do to. I just remind myself that I create it all, sustain it all, and, when I can’t take it any more, destroy it all. And I know that everything around Me is still Me – that I control, but I am uncontrollable. Peace, Ik

  5. i just wanted to echo what dan is saying, i reacted very similarly… especially in the first couple of months, and still now, four months out, when i think ive got a handle on it and can and have managed to stop the crazy spills, i get complacent and urghh… every single time i wish i could stuff it back in as soon as i say it. but i know the damage will be done already… when he does that… i dont know… just try not to take it personally…

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