So, um, what am I feeling right now…

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Nonetheless, let’s give it a shot…

I’m feeling restless. H has been busily distracted, running around getting new clothes for work, talking nonstop about work, trying on the clothes he bought for work, discussing the “to do” lists he’s making for work, planning weeks in advance for [whatever], rambling on about the things he wants to do in the yard, and now he’s washing the cars.

We are going to have THE conversation today. It has to happen. I know he will not bring anything up or ask me how *I’ve* been feeling lately, because he doesn’t have to. As long as I continue to pretend and be the domestic goddess he thought he married, well, everything is just wonderful.

Um, no. It’s not.

What I’m not feeling: overly emotional, very angry, bitchy, defensive, pugilistic.

Maybe I’m feeling: a little angry, somewhat frustrated, ignored, dread.

I have decided that I am feeling certain about going forward. After reading and reading and talking and talking, it is what it is and what will be will be.

If I continue to project second-guessing then, of course, that’s what I’ll get back. He’s in a very happy – although illusion-based – place at the moment and I don’t want to rain on his parade, however, this cannot continue and we both know it.

He’s been super sweet, brought me my favorite flowers, Godivas [my ass is going to be the size of damn semi soon], and as I mentioned above, is now washing my car.

sigh.

Those things are great for our long term outlook, but in the short term I feel like 1) I need to learn how to accept gifts with no strings attached and 2) I cannot adequately judge whether or not he’s doing things to distract me so that we both be distracted. #2 really doesn’t matter anyway.

Tearing myself away from the wallpaper, fighting being sucked in…

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4 thoughts on “So, um, what am I feeling right now…

  1. good luck! i never thought id be saying it heh. the two of you are never really going to be better unless you get what you need to be better for yourself. i hope he comes to see that eventually…

  2. Pingback: Remembering 2012 | Ellen Clarkson

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