On waiting for the “perfect time”


Hint: it doesn’t exist.

This morning, @PassiveAggressiveAbuse wrote “I feel like I will never get out of all of this. (How many times have I written that????)” My modified response is that I feel the same way – often. Too often.

When thinking about something as serious as a marital separation and/or divorce, it’s OK to feel afraid. It’s normal. If one felt no apprehension at all then there would be cause for worry. Fear can be debilitating. I should know. After awhile though, I am getting tired of being afraid. I am getting tired of saying the same things over and over. I am getting tired of the whole thing. I am getting tired of denying how I really feel. For me, this individual fatigue process is where the fear erodes. And then I decide. And then I act.

Waiting for the right time while one is increasingly overcome with ambivalence – or stuckness – can contribute to hopelessness, depression, and anxiety. There will be no perfect time. I’ve waited and waited for it. In my case, I keep going round and round and round, only to arrive at the same conclusion every time. Eventually it comes down to deciding and acting. [having trouble with that last part…] On the other hand, forcing things prematurely can come to no good end. To avoid more damage, the goal is to be careful and consider all the issues that must be considered. Somewhere in there is balance. My point is grounded in the importance of not letting our lives pass us by for the sake of being stuck ad infinitum.

Looking back, I see where I have put together a plan (e.g., the controlled separation agreement I wrote a few weeks ago) has facilitated my feeling of empowerment. Today I will get back to the plan and refine it a bit more. Otherwise, stuck ad infinitum will become my name. Yuck.

Action item: Hang in there and work on the plan. It doesn’t have to be perfect and it doesn’t have to be complete. Small steps count.


4 thoughts on “On waiting for the “perfect time”

  1. One of the harder things for me was taking that action myself. In my heart I knew it was something I wanted, but it got down to her asking for it first. By then I had already made up my mind too…yet I was still trying to get my head around it. I recall at some point her thinking that if she really wanted to she could come back and “beg for forgiveness” ….and I would just take her back and things would be better for a while and then slowly we would go back into the same patterns. For us there was never really a chance to work on those patterns in the context of saving the marriage. I think the sooner you make the changes you need the better chance you have of still working on things while marriage is still on the table. Too long feeling trapped and you will no longer consider that an option.

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