Exasperating my support system…

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H started his job on Wednesday and he’s very excited. It’s going to be a great challenge for him and he’s more than suited for it. Unfortunately, that’s all we’ve been talking about for weeeeeeeks. He called me in the middle of the afternoon and absolutely talked non-stop for more than 20 minutes. I was in the middle of grading my graduate students’ projects and totally lost my train of thought and couldn’t get a word in edgewise. I was glad that he could share his happiness with me but a boundary would have been appreciated.

i.e., “Hi! How’s your day? Do you have a few minutes?”

Finally, at the 22 minute mark he plowed his way through to say we should do something tonight. I stumbled verbally for a sec and then said “uh, ok.” And then he started rambling again! I had to break in, a little more aggressive this time “Uh Greg, Greg…Greg! OK, I’ll see you tonight! Talk to you later!” and that was that.

Codependent Me felt bad because he’s excited, but I think I did what I should have which was listened for a little while then somehow get back to my day. I just didn’t think I’d have to be so direct/forceful.

When we finished talking I brought to the forefront the frustration I’m feeling because, once again, my moving out has receded to the wallpaper. I’m going to have to bring it up, again. I’m irritated that he’s continued to push me off and ignore my needs and it’s fucking with my head. I’m irritated because I feel like he’s pushing us into this time crunch that doesn’t need to occur. Three weeks until the kids start and two weeks until my faculty duties go full time plus. We need time to adjust! The longer we wait, the more I see him as being selfish.

One of my close friends is PISSED at me because I’ve had all summer to make this damn move and she’s afraid the kids won’t have time to adjust before they go to school. She’s right.

I haven’t seen my counselor in a few weeks because H’s job has freakin’ eclipsed the world.

BUT…

I read something last evening that was an echo of what my friend said: if he won’t make the move to relieve some of the pressure then I owe it to everyone to do the right thing. This means stand up and be a Big Girl and tell him how it’s going to be. I’ve gained the 10 pounds I’m going to allow and now it’s time to get back in shape so I can wear my suits to work. It’s time for me to take care of me and if I don’t, [my friend is right] I should let the apartment go and move back in and give up totally. If not now, when? After the kids start school? After I start school? Oh no, that won’t be stressful.

And where is my mental health in all of that? I have to stop repeating these patterns. I have to stop. All of it. Get honest and live life, not recede.

I have to be the one to do the right thing.

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20 thoughts on “Exasperating my support system…

  1. I’ve been reading your last few posts and watching you unfold and felt no need to comment. But I see and feel a shift in you now and so I venture to suggest that no one and nothing has power over you. No one and nothing can stop you doing what you feel compelled to do and what feels right in your very bones. As long as you ummm and aah and don’t commit to a decision then someone (anyone) will come in and play the role of reflecting your indecision, until they are no longer needed. Once you commit to your decision whole-heartedly then it won’t matter what anyone has to say about it; it will not; nay CANNOT touch you. They can approve or disapprove; agree or disagree. Be dominant or manipulative and it will not alter your knowing. It is all up to you. πŸ™‚

  2. have you tried writing up a separation agreement? my partner and i have been apart for four months, i RAGED against it… until i couldnt take it anymore and ended up having to throw him out… i have to say, being cheated on and then pushed for a separation is like getting kicked in the teeth while youre on the ground trying to shove your insides back through the hole in your stomach…

    there is a responsible (lol) way to go about it… we tried, and failed miserably…. dont get me wrong im not saying im a fan of it πŸ˜› because i did see him as being completely and utterly selfish… however its rough, on both sides… you and i are on err… ‘opposing teams’ i guess you could say, but i think were also in a similar position, being women, trying to learn and understand, and having men in our lives… who well, arent (thats the impression ive been getting at least)

    imo… and i hate having to say it… you kinda just have to go for it, or you will end up resenting him even more… and thats not what he wants. but hes hurt and about to be abandoned…

    look up controlled/trial/responsible separation agreements… perhaps dont do it together… you write one, and ask him to write one also… then see what you can agree on… good luck! i hope its not as hard for you as it was for us!

  3. deep down i knew it was the right thing to do… i tried to be good about it… but i wasnt ready to accept that it was how things were going to go, that i had no control over anything (not that you should, but you know… when life falls apart you cant help but want to) i still had huge amounts of denial… and i didnt know if he was going to come back… i had to let him go, well, get rid of him really, because i was in such a destructive state i was only hurting him and fueling his resentment for me… i have no ideas on how you can make him feel better about it, other than doing it, and giving him the time and space to see it for himself… he will be angry and hurt and upset… paranoid, possibly more crazy than he already is… will likely think youre moving on completely… (i dont know if you are?) some days will be happy and good, but out of the blue something will set him off and you will feel like youre back at the beginning again… he will also probably want more reassurance than youre willing or able to give… thats going to be hard for the both of you…

    im not trying to make you feel guilty or talk you out of it… just, well, trying to prepare you i guess and let you know a little of what to expect? though i wouldnt expect any huge changes… hopefully at least he will take the time to deal with a good chunk of the anger?

    gl again πŸ™‚

    • I think there’s a lot of truth in what you wrote that I see already. I honestly don’t think my moving out with make those things worse or better. They just are and will be regardless of whether I’m living with him or not. He’s admitted to feeling much of what you wrote above and I suppose it’s part of the process of what he’s going through. We’ve had so many of these conversations, over and over, getting nowhere. The bottom line is that only time and space will heal and we’ll work through it the best we can and survive, if possible. If not, then we tried – damn hard.

      Nah, I didn’t think you were trying to make me feel guilty or anything. I appreciate the reality check from the other’s perspective. After all, I can sit here and speculate all day long but it won’t do any good.

      I’m hoping during this separation he works hard on his anger and control issues. I know I’ll be working on my issues.

      Thanks! Hugs!

  4. btw, i also appreciate the reality check from your perspective… mr bamboo isnt the most articulate man… so im thankful there are people out there willing to share *his* story as well… there arent many! and ive had to figure a lot of it out on my own. so thank you πŸ™‚

    • Aw, you’re welcome. I recognize that gender-wise I am somewhat of an outlier to be in my situation. Most men seem not to want to talk about why “it” happened, let alone analyze what got the couple there in the first place. I can’t think of anything more important, yet, I see H struggling to articulate his feelings where he’s never even thought about how he “feels” before in his life. Thinking about how we feel can only follow recognition that we feel something…I don’t men [on the whole] are conditioned to do this, for whatever reason(s).

      It also seems that many men would rather sweep it all under the carpet and move forward, regardless of unfinished business. The biggest lesson for me in all of this is that *it will not work*! Plus, it’s not fair to anybody involved.

  5. Isn’t indecision the same as deciding ?
    I don’t want to sound harsh but really…. Thinking someone who has displayed egocentric tendencies is suddenly going to become compassionate and thoughtful is like squeezing a balloon and then wondering why it popped.
    The only one who is ever going to make your life better … Is you.
    Forgive me, but demanding permission from your spouse is a mute point.
    As long as you put yourself in that position, you will be subjective to him. Thereby giving him all the power to control and manipulate the situation.

  6. Following your journey in recent weeks, through the discussions and separation agreement, I completely understand how difficult all this must be.

    As you know, I thought H’s stipulation on the agreement was ridiculous but very very clever. In one big swoop, he completely took control of the entire agreement and ALMOST turned it on its head. What your friend said (in your final paragraph) pretty much sums up how I think – she is spot on.

    You have a long journey ahead …

    • I know it. H is out right now and I am thinking we’ll have a conversation after dinner. I feel like I’m going to burst if we don’t have this conversation. I have to establish a date and tell him I’m moving forward with it. That’s all. Time is running out. This doesn’t have to be the end of the world. God knows if we’re not used to the idea by now, we’re not going to be.

      • It is wiser to converse than to burst! Establishing a date, I feel, is the right way forward, but it is also very difficult, especially when there is some resistance. I hope you can fight your way forward. You will know when that time is right. Thinking of you

      • giggles! Yes, conversing vs. bursting…only one choice. Plus, bursting implies mess clean-up and nobody wants/needs that. πŸ™‚

        I’m going to have to Cat. “Some” resistance is being kind…I just have to be grounded and shield myself from absorbing the fallout.

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