Running on fumes, no discussions tonight

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Yeah, it’s back to bratty me…I have been running on 4-6 hours of sleep a night for several weeks. H came home tonight, happy as a clam, chatting about all of the things he needed to do, blah, blah, blah. I struggled to stay awake to cook dinner as I promised my teenager I’d make philly cheese steak sandwiches. H went down to work out until dinner was ready after asking me what he could do to help (which I told him what he could do) and came up when dinner was ready. [I think I’m speaking a foreign language or perhaps I left my cloak of invisibility on by mistake]. After dinner he showered and I started working on the “revisions” of the separation agreement. He asked me what I was doing. I looked at him with bold annoyance as in “how dare you?” It’s not bad enough he tries to schedule my time constantly, I refuse to let him breathe down my neck 24/7. He asked if I was upset with him. I looked at him incredulously. I said I didn’t want to talk because quite frankly, I’d have been wayyyyyy tooooooo frank!

My thoughts:

OK. You dropped a bomb on me yesterday with an ultimatum to basically figure it out on my own. You hijacked my day with employment matters relating to YOUR new job and then you left town to golf. Now you come back and act like nothing happened and I’m supposed to be all cheery and happy with living like a fucking caged animal? Um. NO. I’m not happy goddammit. Right now I don’t even know why the hell I’m still here because “fuck it, file for divorce” sounds awesomely relieving.

Denial, denial, denial. If H pretends it’s not there then it will magically disappear. Poof!

NOT.

I’m going to bed early. I’m cringing at the thought of sleeping with him. [irrational]

He is not horrible. He has been quite nice outside of the narcissistic b.s. [rational? rationalizing?]

Can you see how messed up I am?? I am so much better when I’m not around him. Would I feel this way forever? Who the hell knows – I cannot GET AWAY FROM HIM! I swear he texted me at least every hour while he was gone. Oh come on! Separation anxiety anyone?

I got a call from the couples counselor today and left her a message that I would come Monday at noon. She has other openings Monday and Wednesday so both of us could do our individual appointments and even our couples appointment. Therefore, I could meet his demand and still see a path to my freedom!

But wait a minute…I was thinking about this as I was driving home from the grocery this afternoon…why should I have to jump through hoops just because he says he “won’t accept the agreement” if we aren’t already headlong into couples counseling BEFORE I move out? Why should I accept THAT? What if I REFUSE?

This is when Bratty Me surfaced. She has a point. The fact still remains, however, that we should definitely not have conversations tonight. I’m so fatigued I probably would be a danger to myself and to others if I drove to my apartment.

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6 thoughts on “Running on fumes, no discussions tonight

  1. I am so sorry for the situation you are in. In many ways it sounds familiar to the one I was in, and at times I feel like I was on the other side of that. Once things get ugly and confusing you don’t really know where you stand. I know at some point I simply turned off any compassion I had for her and decided to put myself first. That is one of the hardest things to do…at least for me. Once I did that I became a total monster in her eyes… She couldn’t see that there were two sides to the coin, that it was NOT okay for her to bring men into my house, that it was not okay for her to avoid helping around the house simply because she didn’t want to. I felt like I was running a damn Bed and Breakfast. I still think you should get out, getting out doesn’t mean giving up on your marriage, but you clearly need room to breathe. His feelings and thoughts shouldn’t matter at this point…you are worn to the point of imbalance…and you can’t be there for your kids or yourself until you get that chance to actually be alone and BREATHE.

    • My god you are so right. That is exactly where I am. It feels so hopeless but I know intellectually it’s not. It’s so irrational for me to think “how many people have to tell me the same thing before I just do what I know I have to do?”

  2. It’s been 6 months since I got out from under mr wonderful’s thumb. Physically anyway. Unfortunately for me it almost cost me my life in the process. Because, while I might be fully capable of intellectually grasping the levity of the situation, the longer I remained under his control the more I lost of myself.
    It has been a very very very long time since I’ve been able to think this clearly.
    He continues to assert his will but in my ‘safe place’ he can no longer get to me.
    The boundaries are drawn on my terms.
    And the biggest thing I’ve found is that I DESERVE to have a happy HEALTHY life.
    Together I was never able to devote the time and energy it takes to get healthy.
    So I guess what I mean is ….
    It’s ok for you to do what you’ve gotta do !! You played his game, and danced his dance. Now ! It’s time to take care of you. Before you lose anymore of yourself. !!!
    HUGS!
    Stay Strong

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