OK, let me say this one more time…


Here we are again, running around the circular logic track. Why do I want to separate and why would the separation create different circumstances than my living here…

1. Eliminate codependence. Spending time away from my partner, provides each of us with the space to develop self-assurance and minimize neediness.

2. Develop self-responsibility. When there is no one else to blame, life looks different, and provides an opening to become more aware and responsible. I would like to look into my own heart about what matters most to me and investigate the imaginary negative conversations we are both having in our heads that keep us distracted from facing how we really feel.

3. Experience a relatively stress-free cooling-off period and gain a more detached perspective. We need to interrupt a serious emotional drama in order to find new ways to improve and strengthen our marriage. Building anger and resentment aren’t healthy for either of us and will only hurt our chances of making positive change in our relationship.

4. Minimize the stress on the children. While some experts would argue that having one parent move out of the home increases the stress on children, I believe that the benefit of no longer seeing Mommy and Daddy fighting far outweighs any negative effects.

5. Deepen my support system. Share myself even more deeply with those who know and love you, especially my children, whom I am largely unavailable for due to the amount of stress inherent in the current situation.

6. Become more introspective about the situation. Consider what I like about myself and my life. Consider what I would like to change about myself, as well as in our relationship.


12 thoughts on “OK, let me say this one more time…

  1. I am 67 years old and come from a divorced family of when I was twelve. Children do better when both parents are not at each others throat. They handle it better than kids. I should know. On the other hand I have been married since 1970 to the same woman. Have there been fights? Yes. Have they been resolved? Somewhat. Balance aided us. I do not know your situation completely but I can give you one word of advise. Patience.

    • Thank you! I have tried to be patient and have found that the more patient I am, the more I am taken advantage of in the form of blocking maneuvers. I am a raging codependent in recovery and H has issues with abusive anger and [probably] narcissism. He will not recognize his issues fully and I’m trying to deal with mine full on. Obviously, that creates more conflict. My anger is mounting because my frustration is mounting. I have said millions of times that this is temporary but H refuses to see the benefit.

      Oh jeez. 🙂

      • It is strange but you put a smiley face at the end of your diatribe. The patience is not towards your spouse or significant other but to yourself.. Go for a walk, get some alone time and think of pleasant times, not necessarily with H. Slowly things will fall into place. Patience with yourself. The best of luck. Barry

      • I think the smiley to accompany the “Oh jeez” was to try to lighten myself up a bit, as in “oh the drama!” Drama is silly and draining, yuck.

        Ah, patience for myself! Good points Barry. You’re right. Going AFK now! Thank you!

  2. Not at all circular-sounding. Pretty straight line you are streaming here.
    Even though I totally get the circular feeling. I think it feels circular ‘slash’ incomplete when we feel our reasons for doing something are going to be challenged or contradicted…and we are laying out the reasons and at the same time we have the reactions or resistance to each one in our mind…we know what some else is going to feel or say. And we (not just them) feel like their resistance trumps our own thought, intentions, etc…
    That’s how I don’t feel like I get anywhere with my own reasoning or explanations…Because ‘someone’ discounts them almost before I even get them out of my head…
    Thank you for sharing.

    • Boy Shantelle, you really nailed it when you talked about the pre-emptive objections. We know they’re coming – they always do – and we know that we cannot win – no matter what. It baffles me that we try. The objections are what create the circular reasoning. I even told him that and he said “Well yeah! don’t you see how silly it is?” Well, yeah, because you won’t accept anything I say if it doesn’t agree with your “reality”.

      I’ve also noticed that I discount my own reasoning before it’s out of my head as well. Habits. Patterns. Not good ones either.

      Thanks for stopping by. As usual, I’m pulling for you kiddo. Nothing short of bravery will suffice if we are going to overcome “this”.

      • Be proud. Your reasons make clear and perfect sense on their own 🙂

        I am pulling for you TOO!!

        Brave and with a willingness to hand our will over to our higher powers.

        Your higher power will do wonders with his challenges and contradictions… Hehe. Leave them to your higher power if you can.

        Trying to take my own advice and I have never felt more tired and helpless.


  3. “The first place to start is to try to tease out the difference between the normal ups and downs of any given relationship and the emotional swings of a relationship with a narcissist.” This a bit from one of my blogs entitled, ‘Protecting Yourself from the Narcissist’. It might be worth while to see if you are experiencing the normal ebb and flow of an average relationship or if yours is worse. This can be the most confusing part. http://wp.me/p3scpP-8s

  4. Pingback: The Codependent Tree | Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me

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