In Dante’s Inferno there are nine circles of hell. The first circle of hell is limbo, which is an obviously torturesome wait for release. The fifth circle of hell is anger, where “the sullen lie gurgling beneath the water, withdrawn ‘into a black sulkiness which can find no joy in God or man or the universe.'”
As H and I sat down today to go over his suggested revisions to the controlled separation agreement, I was stopped in my tracks when he stipulated that we have to have couples counseling under our belts BEFORE we can begin the separation (found here) . Admittedly, this really pissed me off. I see it as yet another way to delay or even thwart my efforts to take the space and time I need for my recovery. Further, coordinating intake (individual visits to the counselor for both of us) plus setting up and going to the first visit together within the next week will be damn near impossible.
I was hoping for a Monday start to our separation. I’m so damn tired of being in limbo. The longer I stay and deny myself what I need, the more frustrated and angry I become. Obviously, resentment is a byproduct of this. H says he cannot support the separation unless I agree to this. I state that the intent is the intent and what we can reasonably accomplish before the date [whatever the fuck that is] is another matter.
This led into yet another conversation about how our youngest son will react and another forestalling suggestion that we have that counseling in place and behind us BEFORE I move out.
Here’s the thing: I understand the implications and have read book after book after book, as well as having discussed the kids’ reactions with my counselor. He’s not prepared. I am. I’ve done the work. So really, he is projecting his fears onto what could possibly happen – in the form of the worst case scenario – onto our children.
I feel manipulated, controlled, and angry.
What if we cannot agree on this timing thing and the predecessor requirements? What then? What is the worst case scenario? He says let’s file for divorce. At this point, I’m ready to say fuck it, fine. Yeah, that’s scorched earth but I’m sick to death of being in limbo. The longer I stay there, the worse our chances of fixing this thing become. He doesn’t want me to leave, he says that. I understand that and if there were another way for me to tolerate this, I would do it – whatever that would mean. But I cannot do it. I’ve tried and tried and tried.
The bottom line is that if he does not get what he wants, he will make me pay, as usual. I told him my feeling controlled is a primary issue in our relationship from my perspective. He said he understands that but yet he won’t work with what that means when it comes right down to it. I’m facing my anger head on and glad he’s going to go to his Mom’s tonight and tomorrow. I need to be away from him because I am angry.
- 20 Things to Do When You Feel Extremely Angry (lifehack.org)
- The moral universes of Dante and Dan Brown (dantefreudandmore.wordpress.com)
- Getting through you anger (pastormikesays.wordpress.com)
- Anger:Finding calm in the storm! (youandyourhealthmagazine.wordpress.com)
- Anger Management Strategies for Repairing A Marriage (expertspages.com)
- Limbo (oliviandemily.wordpress.com)
- Getting Unstuck: the Power of Anger (abigailgracemn.wordpress.com)
- How not to be a dick to your loved ones (unhappyinheels.wordpress.com)