Off-the-table-itis, aghennnnnn


Today I’m feeling a mix of what could be dangerous things…more below.

Well, H got the job after a rollercoaster ride, which doesn’t seem to be over just yet…[it’s never really over is it?]

Last week the discussion regarding our separation was “tabled” so H could see his counselor (today) so he could “handle things better.” Well, today is today and I’m still sitting here wondering if I can bring this shit up, yet again. I haven’t sent him the agreement that I posted as of yet. I know in hindsight that I should have jumped on it when I forced the issue last week. I strongly felt, however, that I couldn’t impose that kind of stress on him while this job thing was still in the air. It was too important to him and too important to the family that he be successful in this endeavor. Am I rationalizing? Maybe.

So, I’m feeling a mix of bold frustration and near-desperation because of the timelines that are upon us. He’s had 1-2 hours of sleep and, yet again, it is a bad time.

Listen YOU [me]: There will NEVER be a GOOD time with this guy! Can’t you see that? How much longer are you going to live in this purgatory?

The plan: I’m taking my own advice. [ok, I heard millions of thuds across the universe just now as people fell over.] I wrote in a response to @Wonderful Shantelle and it’s time to ask the questions.

Q: What is the worst possible outcome of forcing this conversation?

A: I have to deal with H’s insecurity and hair-trigger anger.

Q. What does that look like?

A. H stomps around, gets loud, tries to intimidate me. When that doesn’t work, he retreats to pout or feigns grabbing his keys to storm out – but doesn’t really storm out.

Q. What would I feel?

A. I would have the usual physiological reactions to my hijacked amygdala and freeze. I would pace and mentally wring my hands. Maybe I would try to talk rationally with someone who is not capable of being rational (see my comments to Dan_Dlion) despite knowing intellectually that it’s a waste of time. I might feel relief to have gotten this off my chest after carrying it around for so long.

Q. What would I do then?

A. I would make sure H has the copy of the CS agreement, gather my things and head to my apartment.

Q. What could I expect thereafter?

A. Either icy silence or punishing e-communication (bullying).

Q. How would I handle it?

A. Depending upon whether or not H could calm down, I would either talk with him or ignore him until he could be calm. Either way, I would have to hold the line. It’s way past time.

NOTE: The last 2 questions are new. I wanted a fully rehearsed scenario to work with. 

I’m sure there are things I haven’t anticipated but I doubt they are big enough to change my mind. This must be done. I am not being authentic in any way. I cannot pretend any more. H is totally steeped in denial and thinks that if we ignore “it”, “it” will go away. Sadly, no it won’t.

I deeply resent being put in this position in the first place. Obstructionism and manipulation have worn me out.


3 thoughts on “Off-the-table-itis, aghennnnnn

  1. Wow, that was super-a lot of work! And inspirational…
    Thank you for sharing.
    And best of luck with these gosh-darned excruciating decisions.
    You’ll get through this. Virtual high-five.

  2. Pingback: The wayward spouse and “off-the-table-itis” | Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me

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