Earlier thesis proven…read more
Dammit I was so spot on when I said earlier that I had to outbully H to get him to stop. I’ve obviously been pissed off all day [see evidence of earlier venting]. H has been on his best behavior. I’ve been annoyed to have to share oxygen with him. He asked me if I wanted to talk this evening [whoa, danger Will Robinson!] and after asking me more than a few times – and against my better judgement – we began. Of course I said something within the first 5 minutes that set him off and he started to get up and storm away. We were outside and I did not give a flying fig who heard us. I pretty much shouted “Don’t you DARE walk away! You wanna have this conversation then stay and have this conversation. You started it, you don’t get to walk away!” He came back probably out of shock and also to shush me so the neighbors wouldn’t hear…screw the neighbors man. I’m pissed and you started it, now deal.
He explained why he took his stress out on me last night – aghennn – as if it’s an excuse – which it’s not. I told him that when he does this to me it takes about 24 hours for it to set in and I get angry as time passes. I’m in shock at first and can’t react. The conversation started to go in a more civil direction and he finally said “OK, you drafted something about the separation, can we talk about it?” Once again, I was thrown by the Jekyll/Hyde thing but at this point, what did I have to lose. He knew I was viscerally angry and he knew I was at the end of my tether. No more. Period. He said “let’s do this. Let’s get this over with. I am begging you.”
At that point, I didn’t feel safe that he was actually going to pay attention to what I needed, much less use something – or many things – against me. I just don’t trust that he won’t do what he always does and BOOM, we’re right back in the cycle at an escalated level.
Our youngest son came out and so we had to stop, but he’s the one walking on eggshells now. He doesn’t want to lose me. He knows I’m worn out with this. But yet, he behaves the same repeatedly. He does not see why I need to be away from him. In fact, we see very little the same right now. We couldn’t freakin’ agree on lunch! *We need the space!* His insecurity won’t facilitate seeing my viewpoint, yet he says he doesn’t understand why he uses the one he loves the most in the world as his personal whipping boy.
[make sense of that, will ya? yeah. it cannot be done.]
I’ll send him the document at some point when we have time and quiet to talk. It will be very soon. Maybe in the morning. I cannot live in this limbo any more without me being guaranteed to hate him. He said the one thing he was afraid of was coming out of this unable to be friends, marriage aside. He told me I’m one of the smartest people he knows and he values my opinion. I’m beautiful and I’m fun and I’m someone he would want to know. I believe those things, but I cannot reconcile the conflicting behaviors that I have had to endure for decades.
The door has been opened, again, and I’m not letting it close.