And the cycle begins, again


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I’m not buying it, here’s why…read more

He brings me flowers, he offers to get my favorite comfort foods, he picks up the marriage book that he’s been somewhat reading but definitely not following, he mentions he’s going to make an appointment with his therapist on Tuesday then asks me when I thought I would be moving out and requests that I wait until he sees his therapist so he could “handle it better”. I try not to respond because I’m just dumbfounded at this cycle of shit that never ends. It is infinite. I tell him I don’t know how to have these conversations anymore. He says that yesterday was a very stressful day for him and that I shouldn’t consider yesterday to be the “norm” for our interactions [how many times have I heard that now??]

As to the question of would I wait, I guess I agreed but what the hell does it really matter anymore. I’m just hoping I can get rid of this anger I’m feeling tonight. I’m so sick of this. I really don’t see any hope anymore. The fact that I cannot stand to be in the same room with him is overwhelming. I just know it’s a matter of time [consult the diagram] before we go through the same bullshit, over and over and over – until I stop it.

Before I went to sleep last night I was reading on my Kindle app, as usual. He snarks “What are you reading about – your separation? Again?” I said no that I was reading about personality stuff and asked him why he said it that way. He said “well that’s all you seem to think about is moving out.”

UM HELLO! Do you think there’s a reason I want to get away from you? Shouldn’t that tell you *something*?? I’m like a damn sitting duck, just waiting for your next shot. Yeah, I definitely want to get away from you. Do I want to move out of this big beautiful house and make it hard on my children? NO. Do I want to live in a tiny little apartment and run myself crazy with shared parenting when being here is so much more convenient? NO. Do I want to continue to be at your mercy, any time, every day? NO, NO, NO.

So yeah. I want to move out. I want to be away from YOU. Trust me, if I could make this easier on my kids and myself, I would. I will be happy as a clam in my little apartment and you know it, which is why it’s such a big freaking deal. You’re so insecure because of your constant abusive behavior toward me that you know it’s justified. You know you’re not strong enough to confront your problems, but I am. And that scares the shit out of you.

Deal with it. I am not responsible for your feelings. You don’t care about my feelings so why should I continue to sacrifice myself just to be wrecked, no matter how hard I try. You don’t want a partner, you want a minion that you can control.

Guess what: I am not your goddamned minion. I was your wife but now I’m so emotionally drained from your consistently bad behavior that the threads that I clutched to, with great hope, are shredding.

I cannot see this working. Let’s just cut to the damned chase and let me get the hell on with my life. Or at least what’s left of it, thank you very much.


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