Controlled Separation Agreement, Part 5


[read on]

Personal Growth Experiences

  • We both agree to continue with individual counseling and will pursue couple/marriage counseling in the near future as part of our agreed-upon structure for the separation.
  • We may also choose to participate in other personal growth experiences (e.g., reading books, journaling, exercise program, growth groups) and share those experiences with one another, where appropriate.
  • We will also continue to look for ways in which we can become better parents for our sons, individually and as a team.


  • Emails and texts can be unlimited to the extent that they are respectful and productive.
  • Texting and email will be reserved for light conversations and/or housekeeping items that are non-emotional, unless the communication is positive.
  • We agree not to hold arguments via email or texts.

13 thoughts on “Controlled Separation Agreement, Part 5

  1. Not commenting on precisely this post but overall! You are about a step ahead of me it seems in such a very similar process – including the dog except we have four children, not two, and a business we run together. I thank you for posting so much – especially of late with this separation stuff. We are close but I am not writing about it and we also have the advantage that my H is currently working out of city. Lately we have been talking about calling it a separation instead of the work related separation. We are also talking about presenting it to the kids this way – seems like they should know what is going on. All I can voice…..thank you for yours!

    • Wow. 4 kids is more than I can manage 🙂 plus the business…your situation is more complicated. Hopefully having some sort of an example – with details – will help. Hang in there kiddo!

      • If we can’t figure out how to manage the business together we lose our livelihoods in a way. He would have to hire somebody to run my part and I would have to find a job doing the part I do. Yeah… And we homeschool just to really complicate things. Originally when it seemed less real and likely to happen we agreed we would and could always run business but as we get closer he says he couldn’t handle seeing me because he is so in love with me. Funny we always made better business partners and coparent and of course get along that way. Gues he just doesn’t see the lack of romance and intimacy issues as being real true problems. Thanks though… This is hard but also often surreal like I can’t tell if it is really happening. The other day I read a series of texts to a friend and her jaw dropped. “Oh this really is quite serious”. Sigh I pray for clarity and courage!

      • You know, your point about someone else saying “this really is quite serious” is very common to me, especially as it applies to H’s bad behavior. My friends usually look at me with this incredulous expression, followed by the usual head shaking in disbelief.

        There is no honor in being miserable.

      • not much no…fortunately I am lucky to have friends that have been stuck making hard decisions and understand these things take time and nobody knows your life unless they walk in your shoes. Reasons to leave and reasons to stay….sometimes I think it would be easier if I was being hit though I understand woman who are being hit have similar levels of denial. And of course I would never wish that on myself or anybody else…just sometimes I find it so hard to decide if this is an unhealthy marriage or not. Sorry ramble. Thank you!

      • Ramble away. That’s what this blogging thing is all about.

        I have had those same thoughts about physical abuse vs. emotional/verbal. On any given day I could feel that one is worse than the other but the truth is that all forms of abuse are bad. I was physically and emotionally/verbally abused growing up and when I think about a comparison, things cloud over and there’s no distinction.

        For me, the only way to truly decide if the marriage is healthy (which I’m pretty sure it’s not) is to live my own life for awhile, separate from H. Then the question becomes “can the marriage become healthy?” Right now, there’s nothing healthy about it I don’t think.

        Denial. Ugh. Yep.

      • Also for me I am not sure – I know we have brought out the worst in each other – the only thing definitive for me. And during the hurt of this he has slipped into what looks emotionally abusive but even then quickly retreated and apologized making sure I knew he was speaking from a place of hurt. The problem I am finding with our convenient separation as he is working away – now gone almost two months with him being home for three of those IS that we do get along better apart. The question becomes did we gather enough strength and understanding – can I keep myself if he comes back – will he carry on with this better communication or will old patterns prevail. The old patterns killed the romantic love for me – a friend of mine called it the sweetness that keeps people together. So the other big question is can the sweetness come back? I do not want to live my life in a lovership relationship that has lost the sweetness. Another ramble!

  2. I wonder if this will print?! I would share it with my H – the controlled separation agreement stuff. He was getting ready to come home for his next days off – file bankruptcy, pack boxes, sell the business…….thank goodness he came to his sense and thank goodness I was able to communicate effectively in calming him down.

  3. As to your comments above beginning with “Also for me I am not sure…” Like I said previously, ramble away! It’s healthy!

    As to getting along better when you’re apart, yep. I think that’s a good beginning but you’re so right when you say it ultimately boils down to breaking patterns/habits and building better ones in place. I feel the same way about the effects (bad) of treating each other less than good. It certainly doesn’t do a damn thing for intimacy [of all kinds]. Time will tell. At least we’re cognizant of the fact that we cannot live the rest of our lives in the same state in which we currently exist. It just will not work.

    Reminder: ramble on my blog any time! it’s all good!

  4. Pingback: Stuck between the 1st & 5th circles of hell | Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me

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