I got what I wanted. Finally.

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After I “lost my shit” last night, as previously reported, H calmed down and realized pretty quickly that he needed to do some damage control. [uh YEAH…ya think?] We talked when he came back shortly after I had posted and I nearly lost my temper again, but caught myself – modeling behavior, uh huh…and I was so worn out and emotionally and physically drained from this back and forth, indecision, wait then go, all of it, that I blurted out “yes, I do think we need to separate and we don’t need to talk to one more damn counselor to drag it out any longer!” [This was after he said that we should run it by our counselors, AGHENNNN…OMG, I thought my head was going to fly off my shoulders!] He realized how volatile I was and was on good behavior for a change instead of him having the temper tantrum. I do believe it was way past my turn anyway…

Today I did a little research on the controlled/healing separation format and took a break to do a little wandering/shopping this evening, which is very rare. I figured out that I have left the house for 3-4 hours per week, on average, since commencement. That is stupid. I need a damn life! Well, I’m going to get one!

No, I don’t know what that means, but it sounds good. 

Tomorrow I will have time to put something on paper as H has his 4th or 5th interview for the executive job that I’ve been helping him prep for over the past 3 weeks or so. 

See, this is the problem: I’m living his life, not mine. [not for much longer]

On the bright side, he’s been reading the book I gave him: http://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

He says he thinks we might be able to work this out. Sounds good. But there’s a lot of work between here and there. 

One thing we need to be clear on is that I will not want to see him every day. In fact, I might not want to see him for awhile. We will be separated; working on ourselves and at some point working together with a therapist. I need space. I need time. I need to live with my life, not his. I don’t think he gets this but it’ll be clear when I address how often I want to see him. The issue of dating each other is going to be interesting because as of right now, I’m looking forward to a respite from my “duties”. I need a break! Plus, I want to be sure I want to go back to him ultimately.

This is starting over. This is doing things right and if things can’t work to suit both of us, it cannot work period. I’m not yielding. I’m not giving too much as I always have. 

God I’m worn out. 

I don’t know when the fall semester starts or when I have to report back for faculty flogging week – I think I’m even facilitating a workshop. Huh. Better check into that at some point. I’m just trying not to be resentful that my whole effing summer has been eaten up by trying to save my psyche. Forget fun. 

Well, that was then; we’re heading toward now. I must say, I’m looking forward to the next 4 months. 

Any advice on telling the kids? Oddly, I’m not emotional or worried about it. I think I’m strong enough to handle it. Nonetheless, feedback is always appreciated as it won’t be easy; I’m just better equipped than I was 2 months ago. 

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4 thoughts on “I got what I wanted. Finally.

  1. This must be so difficult, but it does sound as if you have a clear idea of where you want it to go. I think it all sounds perfectly healthy. I have absolutely no idea how you could tell kids – depends how old they are. I imagine it will be upsetting for them, no matter what age. However, you need to do what will make you happy. Maybe things will come back together in the future, but it doesn’t sound like staying together t the moment is doing anyone any good.

    • Thanks Cat, it is tough on the one hand, but on the other hand I have been stuck for so long that there is absolutely no other option. I am flat out miserable and if we all continue this way, there will be lots more damage to go around and, as we know, damage from childhood is devastating.

      There’s a teenager and a 5th grader. They are both beautiful boys and we are great parents despite our relationship problems. H said last night he’s worried about the youngest one and that he’ll cry. I said “of course he’ll cry. We should expect that and embrace it and share our feelings as well. This is an important moment to let them both know that it’s more than OK to feel whatever it is they are feeling.”

      I think that conversation was a moment of realization for Greg too. Interesting.

      I really appreciate your support and comments. This blog has been a lifesaver for me. Literally.

      My best,

      Dharma

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