I’m not so certain what I’m after is to change myself. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m not really seeking to change as much as I’m seeking to understand and accept – and rediscover. I’ve been “here” all along but I’ve been afraid to show myself. Being overtly Me has not particularly meshed well with my life as a codependent. Sure there are glimmers and moments of Me, but for the most part I’ve been mostly inauthentic and self-stifling in certain areas of my life. It’s OK because I understand why, but after the realization it would no longer be OK because of awareness.
Rather than changing, I’m breaking habits and trying not to repeat destructive, inauthentic cycles. I don’t see the difference as being rooted in denial or illusion but rather rooted in acceptance and reality. Funny, I’m not experiencing so much anxiety or fear about the unknown. Somehow, I really think it’s going to be ok.
Wow. It’d really be liberating to be free to be Me all of the time. Whatever that means. I think I rather like the idea.