Lately I’ve been doing a lot of realistic self-talk. After my very traumatic conversation with Greg the other evening I did a lot of reading and thinking. [gee, that’s unusual for me right?] Even though I cannot remember what he said that absolutely sent me into a fit, I do remember a few key points such as Greg’s reluctance to do the work on himself to make us work, and his non-interest and poo-pooing of getting in touch with his feelings. I realized that I have to accept these things and adjust my expectations, not push him to change. Whether it happens or not is really quite beside the point. I realized I could spend the rest of his life (since he’s more than 10 years older than I am) being unhappy because of my attachment to a particular outcome. If he changes, great. Great for him, great for the kids, great for me – I guess. If he doesn’t, I still have to work on myself and figure out how to be an individual rather than His Fair Lady.
It’s funny how I can know things intellectually and reject them emotionally. I’m no different than anybody else except for the fact that I’m pretty thick-headed as a codependent. I started thinking about the assertion that some codependents do not want to get better because they are quite comfortable in their dysfunction. I admit, changing patterns and breaking habits sucks mightily. Scary stuff. I mentioned to my friend Frank that I have been unsure of absolutely everything for a few years now. What I realized is that I have not only been unsure, I have become increasingly unsure. Such things are warning signs of loss of self. I guess I thought I could live without ME, but I can’t. Until recently I didn’t understand what a total loss of myself really looked like. In the vein of acceptance, I cannot accept that so I’m going to have to modify my expectations for my life. Nobody is going to do it for me or give me permission. In fact, I don’t need permission. I need to accept that too.
I’m not going to ask myself how many times I need to read that pain and suffering emanate from expectations and the remedy is acceptance. I am changing the direction of my thoughts to accepting what is and setting aside expectations and attachments to what I wish things would be. I don’t have a choice anymore as my previous approach hasn’t worked very well.
So be it.