Yeah, that sums it up. Let’s look at the battle within…
My left-brain skepticism continually battles with the artistic romantic right-side. I am fortunate to have ambidexterity because it makes me really good at what I do. I’m a polymath and have finally figured out that it’s OK to be a polymath. Some people are threatened by these sorts of things but I’m definitely not one of those “hey, look at me, I’m a PhD, see how much I know? Here, let me suck all of the oxygen out of the room with my barrage of intelligence.” I typically don’t offer advice and only give suggestions when prodded a bit. My students love me once they find out I’m really not evil, however, I tell them to keep that on the down low because I have a reputation to uphold. /smile
On a personal level, all of this can cause me a great deal of angst because sometimes I cannot distinguish the forest from the trees. My mother used to say I was “book smart and street dumb” which is a shitty thing to say to a little girl who is already underway with programming that will make her question herself in certain [unhealthy] ways for the rest of her life. However, taking the comment on its face, I can see what she meant. Well hey Ma, guess what – you built me that way. You not only conditioned me to question my feelings, emotions, and convictions, you demanded that I do so and still try in some ways. I’m on to ya. I believe I’ve shut that operation down now as far as you’re concerned when I told you a few months back that I will NOT lay myself down on the train tracks for anybody, any more. People have to fix their own shit, on their own timetable. I’ve got my own problems. (This conversation was regarding “patching things up” with my betraying brother – but that’s a story for another day.)
I told my friend in our phone conversation yesterday that there comes a point where people like her and me that we have to stop researching, learning, and synthesizing. We have to get back to intuiting and trusting our gut despite the fact that we are inherently designed through life experiences to do the opposite. Yeah man, I was preaching to the choir. I was holding church baby. Maybe it made me feel good to say it out loud because the thought followed me for the rest of the day. I also think that Greg looks at me and concludes the exact thing I was preaching about. [Amusing post to follow on that thought.]
So here I am. Sick and tired of being sick and tired. I think back to my dad saying this very thing over and over and over through the many years our family has been part of the Program. Being smart has nothing to do with common sense just as being not-so-intelligent has nothing to do with common sense because common sense does not exist. [See my book review of Everything is obvious]
I have always joked in a self-deprecating way that I have a keen eye for the scathingly obvious. Yep. I’m workin’ on it. Because I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Photo retrieved from Queen of Your Own Life.