No. Just NO. [warning, spewing forth…]

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(and poorly written. whatever. It serves a purpose.)

The texts and phone calls going back and forth last night after I told Greg I wasn’t coming home because I old him I wasn’t OK to see him at that point. Of course he didn’t just respect that I needed my space, noooooo…

After stupid back and forth and him citing statistics from places like USA Today [omfg, really? I’m a researcher and THAT is the evidence you’re using to say we don’t have a prayer if we have a controlled separation? Really?] and other demeaning exchanges, I packed up my dog and my overnight bag and came home. At 1:00 a.m. I promised myself that my going back, albeit for a very short time, would not be in vain. I had to pull some defiance from somewhere and there it was.

I walked in, startled him, took out my contacts, and climbed in bed. I turned my back to him and when he tried to hug me I was like a stone. I’m thinking “Yeah, you *think* you got what you want. But it’s not going to be what you’re expecting.” My inner defiant child was surfacing full on.

Parts of our conversations earlier included me telling him that he’d rather have me in a mental hospital than at my apartment, because he can’t control me when I’m at the apartment. “Oh no that’s not true!” yeah. I’m buyin’ it. My mental health is something you use against me when I’m weak and when I’m not automatically complying with what YOU want. A separation is not good for you, you say. A separation is only good for me and if I’ve “convinced myself” that this is the only way to fix my problems then fine, you say. [Yet you make me PAY dearly for it don’t you? Yeah, that’s supportive.] A separation only means that we will drift further apart, you say. [and then you cite some stupid, low-impact news article with half-assed stats…c’mon man…I TEACH this stuff. At least recognize that group statistics do not apply to individual cases and only in some cases are those group statistics valid and reliable. And when I tell you those things please come up with a better reply than “Oh that’s a convenient response!” nice.] /rolling eyes

Another interesting part of our conversations was alluded to in my previous post. Wow. Deny much?

He wanted “a kiss” this morning and I looked at him like he had 15 heads. Are you shitting me? Seriously? Why would I want to kiss a man who truly does not care about my destruction…hmmm…good question actually…

I did a lot of reading about abuse in relationships this morning, much of which focused on NPs. The site by Dr. Sam Vankin provided loads of great information that was entirely free from political correctness. While I will not take the karmic hit of being manipulative, I am starting to understand that in some cases, fighting fire with fire is the only way to go.

Greg has used every single phrase and revelation I have shared about my recovery against me. He is very quick to turn an XYZ Model back at me like a boomerang. He knows it works.

So today here’s what I’m doing: I’m looking for ACoA or CODA meetings. I’m looking at intensive outpatient programs. I’m looking at anything that isn’t scary as hell because I’m looking at myself and I will not survive this.

I set up Greg’s Kindle to download books I’ve been reading since he wanted “sites” [sic] that said a separation was a good idea. When he gets into his Kindle he will see a variety of books that will likely make him furious such as:

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal with People Who Try to Control You

The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

BUT, he’s not going to see himself in any of those titles let alone see me. He is in COMPLETE denial about his abusive and controlling behavior. He will be angry. He will explode or seethe and otherwise punish me somehow. The hitch is that this time, I’m punishing back. I’m not going to let him take me under. I desperately want him to get help, for him, for the kids, for me. However, I can no longer entertain malignant optimism as Dr. Vankin explains.

So let him explode. I’m fighting back. I never do but this time, I so totally am. He’ll go into victim mode like he always does and I will, for my own karmic health, not use excessive verbal force unless there is no other option.

Baby, you want dysfunctional? Shoot, man…I have dysfunction in my freakin’ DNA. Game on. If nothing else, you will understand – or not – that you cannot push me around with your psychological abuse. Yeah, I love him. But I’m definitely not going to destroy myself because he can’t see his own problems.

Gloves are frickin’ OFF.

My cell just rang. It was him. He took our youngest son to the movies. I did not answer. Fact is, I just don’t have to.

[No apologies for language, ranting, length, etc. MY blog.]

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14 thoughts on “No. Just NO. [warning, spewing forth…]

  1. Don’t *ever* even *think* you have to say “no apologies” for a post like this. This is open, raw, honest, and resonates with me in particular like you wouldn’t believe. I was in your position for almost 13 years. It almost killed me, and ended with a spectacular breakdown two years ago. Just reading your words tells me you have an enormous amount of inner strength.

    • Thanks Frank. It is therapeutic to understand that others have felt/feel the same way because then I realize it is my human state that facilitates such inner conflict. I typically do not manifest conflict externally, however, it is imperative that I avoid yet another breakdown as I am probably as broken down as I can get without ceasing to exist in one form or another.

      The other dynamic to which you may relate is that my inner strength has been helpful yet harmful in that I stay because I’m strong, which is the wrong reason. Oxymoronically, strength becomes weakness because I’m not applying that strength to 1) me getting better at being ME and 2) recognizing that I do in fact have a choice in life. Codependents raised in alcoholic homes probably have a lot of trouble with #2 so at least I can see that much. Once that realize becomes “old” I’ll likely move to the next step: action.

      • Very insightful, and completely true. When I was constantly being told that I “had to stay” because I was “the glue which kept the family together” it may have been said with good intentions, but it locked me into an incredibly abusive marriage which ultimately almost killed me. Without those comments – some of which were from medical professionals – I suspect I would have jumped ship years earlier and possibly saved myself from a cataclysmic breakdown.

        As you say, recognizing that you have a choice can be one of the most difficult yet liberating parts of your life. Obviously I don’t know your husband or his personal circumstances, but (and I hope you don’t mind me speaking honestly) I see exactly the same manipulation which happened to me. My ex had multiple sclerosis, and despite the constant physical and psychological abuse, she would constantly manipulate me by telling me she “needed me” to live properly. It puts an enormous strain on you when someone plays emotional blackmail. But hey, you don’t need me to tell you that. Stay strong.

      • Thanks for your observations, which are good ones BTW. My therapist has hounded me to leave and told me “So you’d rather sacrifice yourself by staying than to live.” I nodded my head and said a firm “yes”.

        It’s safe to say that’s not within the realm of “well-adjusted”. [giggles]

        Please, always speak honestly as you pointed out this morning. Nothing good happens in a vacuum (i.e., inside of our heads] which is why we’re all here.

      • It makes me happy that my blog has connected me to insightful and sparkling people like you. Your comment about not being well-adjusted and the [giggles] part actually made me laugh hard enough to snort tea out from somewhere it should never have been. Whatever else happens today, know that you made someone laugh *that* hard 🙂

      • Dude, snorting and laughing is *the best*! It made me smile like the Cheshire Cat when I read that. Hooray! Small wins!

        re: sparkling. Jeez, thanks, sincerely. My normal Me is probably pretty sparkly and I guess I’ve lost sight of that girl. Perhaps it’s time that She resurface, eh?

        Thanks a million! It will be a good day dammmit! /smile

      • That is awesome! there is so much value in seeing *your* value to others. Sometimes, it’s pretty hard or even impossible. Today, we have done better. That’s a big win, not a small one. Let’s raise our glasses to victories and savor the conquest!

  2. Situations like this can be so maddening…infuriating… impossible… but it sounds like you have some great fighting spirit. I hope things improve for you.

    • Thanks Cat. I don’t think anything will improve unless my actions follow my thoughts. I know what I have to do but apparently, I’m resisting it. [shocking, I know lol!]

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