I am missing my lover. I am tired of trying to fit into H’s mold of how everything should be whilst walking on eggshells. I cannot go anywhere because he won’t approve. I have no contact with my friends because he will be suspicious. I have not seen Justin in months and I’m wearing down with H’s isolation. He is perfectly happy with me staying in the house, all day, every day, because I had an affair. Ok, well, I cannot do this for much longer. He threw a hissy fit around Memorial Day because I was going to go to dinner with a few girlfriends so I cancelled. It happened to be at a bar and grille and so his contention was that I should choose something else given the circumstances. My comment was “Do you think I’m just going to pick up some guy for a one night stand while I’m out with my friends for a few hours??” he said no but…
I have no friends right now. I go nowhere. I talk to no one. He golfs, sees his friends, goes out of town, etc., but it’s ok because he wasn’t the one who had an affair.
I get it but, no.
I’m tired of hearing him say he doesn’t know if this will work. I’m tired of him throwing shit up in my face about the past three years when he spent decades running me ragged and controlling my life. I want to be me and in order to do that we have to talk about painful things. We have to dig into why I had an affair in the first place and he has to be willing to see the condition of our relationship as it was. Yet he doesn’t want to talk about any of it.
Maybe he’s right, it won’t work. I’m sick of doing all of the labor with regard to our repair. He’s busy looking for jobs. He thinks a job will fill the void. I’m sick of hearing how he feels his life is meaningless. I’ve felt that way for years but have tried hard to find the meaning anyway. He just fucking mopes and smothers. I cannot continue this.