Remember in Star Wars where Darth Vader tells Luke that he is Luke’s father? Well, this morning I have the “Luke, I am not your mother” phrase running through my head and here’s why…
I have been working nonstop on myself with regard to my habits, patterns, and beliefs. I talk about it regularly with H, to the extent that I can externalize things. My hope is that he would have a better understanding of what I’m doing to make things better which might demonstrate to him that I’m sincere. My other hope is that if he knows what is going on in my mind that he will take up the “self improvement” theme [yes, emotional contagion can be good] and get busy. But, that’s not happening. He’s been on the same page (like page 10 or something) of the communication book that his therapist gave him over a month ago. He just doesn’t see the need, especially when I’m doing all of the work.
I haven’t told my parents much about what I’m working through but my mother [the patron saint of codependents everywhere] remarked “Of course, that’s what they do. They want you to do all of the work!” While she’s correct I thought it was an interesting pot/kettle moment. Just an observation – not getting all judgey. /smile
As I’ve mentioned before, he eschews the idea of meds for his anxiety and depression. I don’t see where he’s working through his past issues to examine (not dwell) and make peace with those issues, let alone releasing them. That said, I don’t expect him to handle this the way I am handling it as everyone processes these things differently, yet I do expect that he do *something* to step up his efforts. He’s all gung ho for couples counseling but frankly I do not believe it will be productive until and unless we address our individual issues. I think he only hears parts of that statement with “I’m not ready” and “I [Dharma] need to work on myself first”. This seems to imply that I have total ownership and responsibility for our relationship. I shouldn’t be surprised but sometimes these realizations – no matter how many times someone else says them – must come from me. That means the lesson is finally sinking into my very thick codependent head.
The bottom line is that he is an adult and he needs to take responsibility for his recovery. I can’t, shouldn’t and won’t take that upon myself. [This declaration represents progress for me.]
OK then. Now to figure out what to do with it.