From Kraken to dove…First release

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First of all, releasing doves as a literal ceremonial act is somewhat problematic. There have been reports of doves being released for weddings, etc., resulting in the doves having to be rescued thereafter. I see the issue in a literal sense but the from the metaphorical sense, it works.

In releasing my resentment I will transmute a kraken to a dove and then release it. Below is a letter to someone whom I am carrying huge resentment toward. It’s weighing me down. It’s gotta go. I’ll never send the letter because I will not give this emotional vampire something else to feed from. She’ll have to find someone else to satisfy that need.

***

Bella,

I won’t use the salutation “dear” because you are not dear to me. You are an emotional vampire. I won’t call out your mental and emotional issues because it’s not my place, but believe me, you are one fucked up woman. So am I and I no longer want your energy [very negative] enmeshed with mine.

You came into my house and caused fucking chaos without regard for my children and your father-in-law. You showed complete disrespect and malice toward me and, unfortunately, there was nobody to protect me while you manipulated and damn near destroyed my world. You went through my things and violated my privacy. You manipulated my head and used against me things I had told you in moments of weakness, in the strictness of confidence. You betrayed my trust. You ran my household for 4 days while you were here and left a wake a destruction and damage. You manipulated my children and sucked information out of them and further manipulated what they had told you in trust. You made an already tough situation tougher so you could be the center of attention to satisfy your narcissism. Your love of drama at the expense of others has no bounds. You have no conscience. You portrayed yourself as the victim to get attention. You made it all about you and your thinly veiled efforts to “save everyone” were [unfortunately for you] ultimately transparent to everyone else except for your husband whom you control with fear and subordination.

I wondered for weeks after you left what the hell was wrong with me that I let you attack me – and my family – in my own fucking house! OMG, I was in such mental and emotional crisis that I had psychotic moments where space and time were distorted. I had ceased to function due to the trauma of your mean-spirited actions and the deep wounds you caused and reopened.

The interesting thing about you Bella is that you made sure you did the most awful of your actions at times when nobody else could witness them. You told me “your life is over; the plan is already in motion.” You said it with an ugly sneer and self-importance that conveyed just how evil you can be. You relentlessly trapped me so you could do your torture away from others’ eyes and ears. And even when we were within reach of others’ eyes and ears, nobody was willing to stand up to you or stop you – including myself – because you are fucking scary. You have no boundaries and neither did I at the time. But be advised, my family sees you for what you are, now.

I could have destroyed your life with what I know. What you’ve told me in confidence. Your plans to destroy your husband, in great detail I might add, are borne out of your lower self and your own fear of facing yourself for who you are. You kept telling me you were talking to me as a friend but you were no friend. You are an animal without conscience. Running scared to get what she wants and needs regardless of the price to yourself and others. You told every family member outside of this household that you could, our most intimate problems. You trashed me as a mother while in my own house, with no regard for our right to privacy and no regard for how that might affect my children. I chose not to spill everything I know about you, even as you sat at my kitchen table and tearfully and histrionically said you “couldn’t take it anymore” because of the scars from your parents “almost divorce”. [Give me a fucking break. Everybody has experienced shit in life. You think you’re “special”? Grow the fuck up.]

As I watched the whole thing from outside of myself, high above the pain and chaos, I observed that I had the impetus to fight back by destroying you as you so viciously went after me. Some say I should have but I contend that I would have also destroyed your sons’ lives and your husband’s life as well. I knew that I would have harmed myself as a result. Therefore, I knew that I did not have that right though I certainly had the power. It reminds me of a line in The Hobbit where Gandolf states to Bilbo that “True courage is about knowing not when to take a life, but when to spare one.” I’m sure it would displease you to know that I exercised courage and restraint in an excruciatingly difficult situation brought about by your selfishness and lack of courage. Clearly, I couldn’t care less about what displeases or pleases you. You don’t matter. You’re irrelevant. It is amusing, however, that you later turned around and called me a coward. Heh. That’s rich.

After the first round of your abuse you wouldn’t let me take space to regroup and calm down because your needs were far more important than anyone else’s. They always are and always will be. Then, like the emotional vampire that you are, you put forth a sham of an apology and blamed your hormones for going a “little too far”. You wanted ME to make YOU feel better about your lack of conscience. I wanted you to go away but you wouldn’t. In my own house. I should have thrown you out on your ass and stopped worrying about the impact on the grandchildren and your husband and your father-in-law and my children. Wrong is wrong. That was my mistake but believe me, it will never, ever happen again. My perception of safety in my own house has been completely changed by your calculating depravity.

As to the “bruise” that you somehow attained claiming that I shoved you: believe me, if I wanted to shove you, you would have ended up with more than a bruise. Then you texted a picture of the purported bruise to everyone, including your father in law. Nice touch. [asshole] To this day I have visions of your head hitting my hardwood floor so hard that it bounces as I watch from above. I had no intention of hurting you physically but after you’d “mentioned” it, the thought has become quite palatable which is why I need to release these dark thoughts.

The fact is that you had me blocked into my home office and would not respect my request to leave the room. You closed in on me thinking that if you invaded my personal space that I wouldn’t attempt to leave. When I did try to leave I bumped you on the way out and you screamed to your husband that I had shoved you. Then all hell broke loose in the presence of our families and you capitalized upon my fear and exploited it for the next several days. You were wrong and you probably know that but again, I couldn’t care less.

You made a point of telling as many family members as would listen, as loudly as you could, while being a “guest” in my home,  how “concerned” you were about my youngest son, saying he’s growing up with a mother who doesn’t care about him and that you’re worried for his future. Get this: I am a better mother on my worst days than you will ever be on your best days. The reason is that my children come first and above all, I will protect, care for, and nurture them rather than try to mold them into impossible, sickly dependent adults who cannot distinguish dysfunctional needs from balance and harmony. So don’t you worry about my kids. They’ll be fine. As to your kids, you’d better stop buying $200 pairs of shorts so you can save up for the years of therapy they will no doubt need because of YOU. Yeah, you’re a GREAT mom.

You made a point of telling family members that I had destroyed my stepdaughter and now I was trying to destroy my kids, your father in law, and your husband. Wow talk about projecting! I recognize in your family that you and your sister and your mother are vicious bitches wrapped up in materialism, delusions, and constructions of your own egos. Your “need” for a $4,000+ wedding gown as well as a debt of over $80,000 for your second “perfect wedding” is evidence that your self-worth comes from how others view you. You will pursue these things at all costs and have proven over and over that your need for gratification – your addiction to appearances and approval from others – overrides everything, even the financial well-being of your family.

As to my stepdaughter’s perception of your efforts to become her BFF, she saw right through that. Remember: she lived on the streets for nearly 10 years as a heroin addict and has a keen eye for liars and posers. She may have her problems (and they are big problems) but she saw right through you; especially after you kept referring to her child as “mixed” race. Your insensitivity to others is so much more obvious than you realize. You are a fraud and my stepdaughter, like many others whom you claim to be “friends” with or “close” to, wants no part of you. You are a delusional, soul-sucking nuclear bomb Bella. Nobody buys it, at least for long.

Your day will come and I hope for your children’s and husband’s sakes that when that day comes you will implode rather than explode. You deserve everything you have coming, none of which will be the result of my actions. I will not accept the karmic hit. You are a pathetic, sick little child and, for their sakes, I hope you get help.

Do not call me or text me telling me we had a “disagreement” and that you’ve “forgiven” me and that you “love” me. You have no idea what love is. You told me I never cared about you or your children. Projection again. You are as toxic as they come and I want no part of you or your obsessive sick little world. You said you have lots of friends, which is a total fucking lie. But you can continue to lie to yourself if you choose. I won’t be part of it and neither will my kids. You were wrong when you said that you would always be part of their lives.

As to your father in law, you dumbass…you couldn’t see that your calling his cell over and over again and texting him to get attention was stupid as hell. He resents you for the drama you crave because it made a painful situation that much worse. He does not see you as any kind of savior. I have hated you for that too.

Hate is an ugly thing Bella and I am choosing not to carry it anymore. Resentments can become deep and heavy and you aren’t worth any of it. You demeaned my intelligence, my accomplishments and my feelings by reducing me [as publicly as you could] to something you could manipulate for your own cruel entertainment. You are in the top 2 or 3 of the darkest, most evil people I have known but I don’t regret anything I’ve ever done for you because I did those things out of sincere love.

Something good did come of this though. I will admit that in the aftermath I repeatedly asked myself “What was wrong with me to think that this was OK?” This questioning has led me to dig deep and work hard to understand deficits within myself in the form of boundaries. I am grateful for that. I wish it hadn’t taken a crisis for these realizations to happen, but it did. So be it.

The Italians in my family have always had a saying that accompanied the metaphorical death of someone who had been [rightly or wrongly] exiled from the family. “You are dead to me” are the words that nobody wants to hear because they cut deep and reek of finality. While I am the “Poster Child for Infinite Chances” as demonstrated by my life, I have come to recognize that this does not mean that I have to give validity to toxic presences in the form of narcissistic people whom I’ve come to realize are optional in my life.

I’m “opting out”. You are, in fact, dead to me. Stay away from my life and my children or you will face the consequences of my wrath. You [apparently] could fuck with me but you had better know that you cannot fuck with my kids.

Il bacio della morte. 

Rest in peace, or not. I don’t fucking care. My hatred, anger, and resentment must go away with any remaining attachments to you. I’m not even going to say goodbye because you don’t matter enough to warrant the courtesy.

Veritas inlustrat. 

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4 thoughts on “From Kraken to dove…First release

  1. Pingback: Patterns of non-existent boundaries | Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me

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