TBD

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I’ve been pleased with my ability to ask myself important questions as part of my recovery. It can be painful to be deeply introspective but, I’ve learned, such introspection does not have to cause suffering.

The question that just popped into my head is: If H and I both fix our individual issues [whoa, big assumptions here] do I still want to continue my marriage with him?

Ambivalence is poisonous and I have taken up formal residence with regard to my marriage. There have been too many “if” and even “what ifs” that I perceived as obstacles. My perception is the problem. I’m looking forward to getting to the point where I can give notice and vacate ambivalence. It’s coming.

That said, I do not know the answer to my random question. I am a different person now and so is he. We both will be different, hopefully for the better, on the other side of our respective processes. He is pushing hard for couples therapy and I feel that I am not ready because there are too many things I need to work on before I can be fully engaged in our couples process. His impatience is apparent and I have to resist the feeling that everything must be done on his time table. Historically, my living on his time table has proven to be unhealthy for me and my allowing such submission only hurts both of us.

Therefore, the only answer I can provide to my question is TBD. H and I will have to cope with the uncertainty in our own ways.

Progress from the codependent standpoint? Yes.

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