Time to see things for what they are.
In conducting my own brutal audit (Collins, 2001) I have come upon a very deeply-rooted and dysfunctional part of myself. I am tremendously codependent and have been for the vast majority of my 46 years of life. I understand the etiology as it relates to the way I grew up but ‘cmon – I’m freaking 46 years old, well-educated, professionally admired, and seemingly confident and well-adjusted. That’s just my costume actually and I’ve known some of that for awhile but certainly not to the extent that I’ve recently discovered. In fact, that costume was intentionally built from a young age and grounded in the reinforcement of building that persona that uses the costume. We all have costumes, however, when there’s any underlying dysfunction that is fundamental to our everyday functioning, eventually it will cause serious problems – and it has.
At this juncture, I am wondering if I will ever be able to function within the realm of “normal” as it relates to relationships. I desperately want to so I suspect that, me being me, I will tackle the problems with verve as I usually do. The inherent complexity of the dysfunction seems to be what is scaring me.
Nonetheless, I am seeing things more clearly by the minute. My moving out only has some to do with Greg and our marital troubles. I need to be on my own so I can prove to myself that I can do it and so I can pull up and eradicate behaviors and patterns by their roots. I am not feeling desperation. I am feeling a bit overwhelmed. Nothing extreme but definitely disturbing. Observer mode is going to be important so I don’t judge as I observe. Just observe. Baby steps. One thing at a time. I suck at that.
Oh well, everybody’s gotta have goals right?
Collins, J. (2001). Good to great: Why some companies make the leap…and others don’t. New York: Harper Business.