I’m at the point in my process where I’ve begun to ask myself “what are you afraid of?”
Processes being what they are, I cannot deal with that which I cannot or will not see. Okie doke then. Here we go. First in a series of who knows how long…
I am afraid of:
- Greg. I didn’t realize this until a friend of mine called me out on it yesterday. She said “you’re afraid of him aren’t you…” [shaking her head] Yes. I guess I am. Not physically, but the results aren’t much different.
- Never recovering from very old wounds that have made me susceptible to all kinds of ugly not-so-little things.
- Being permanently broken and unable to heal enough to have a good relationship.
- Losing Jordan. I love him. I don’t know whether or not we stand an honest chance but I know he is patiently “waiting for the right time to move forward.”
- Losing Greg, in one form or another. I’m so messed up that I cannot break free of him and I do love him, but I don’t know that I can survive being in a relationship with him. All signs point to “no” but I’m still in his grasp somehow. Delusions? Nostalgia? Guilt?
- Guilt. I am afraid of my vulnerability where I am inclined to feel guilty. Greg capitalizes upon my guilt in the form of mostly unconscious manipulation.
- Lack of freedom.
- Not being able to be myself.
- Not being able to climb out of the destruction.
- Damaging my relationship with my kids. I can call this one out as irrational right away. But it’s a fear nonetheless.
- Making a mistake in tanking my marriage.
- Living in a codependent state.
- Being permanently anxious and somewhat depressed.
- Perceived lack of security.
Time to face these little suckers one by one. I can only do one at a time anyway.