The Fear Box

Scaredturtle

I’m at the point in my process where I’ve begun to ask myself “what are you afraid of?”

Processes being what they are, I cannot deal with that which I cannot or will not see. Okie doke then. Here we go. First in a series of who knows how long…

I am afraid of:

  1. Greg. I didn’t realize this until a friend of mine called me out on it yesterday. She said “you’re afraid of him aren’t you…” [shaking her head] Yes. I guess I am. Not physically, but the results aren’t much different.
  2. Never recovering from very old wounds that have made me susceptible to all kinds of ugly not-so-little things.
  3. Being permanently broken and unable to heal enough to have a good relationship.
  4. Losing Jordan. I love him. I don’t know whether or not we stand an honest chance but I know he is patiently “waiting for the right time to move forward.”
  5. Losing Greg, in one form or another. I’m so messed up that I cannot break free of him and I do love him, but I don’t know that I can survive being in a relationship with him. All signs point to “no” but I’m still in his grasp somehow. Delusions? Nostalgia? Guilt?
  6. Guilt. I am afraid of my vulnerability where I am inclined to feel guilty. Greg capitalizes upon my guilt in the form of mostly unconscious manipulation.
  7. Control.
  8. Lack of freedom.
  9. Not being able to be myself.
  10. Not being able to climb out of the destruction.
  11. Damaging my relationship with my kids. I can call this one out as irrational right away. But it’s a fear nonetheless.
  12. Making a mistake in tanking my marriage.
  13. Living in a codependent state.
  14. Being permanently anxious and somewhat depressed.
  15. Perceived lack of security.

Time to face these little suckers one by one. I can only do one at a time anyway.

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5 thoughts on “The Fear Box

  1. Pingback: Let’s go down the rabbit hole, shall we? | Dharma Goddess: The Journey to Me

  2. Amazinglygutsy self inventory. Those are some gems you’re diggin up. The rabbit hole is a trip. A good one for those of us with the desire for freedom from the bondage of fear. Nice to be travelling with you.

    • Thank you. I have no choice but to be honest with myself. I’ve lied to myself most of my life and digging into the pathology of my self-created framework for survival is necessary. I’m amazed at how my codependence in my personal life (i.e., my relationship with Greg) is very separate from my functioning in my professional life. None of the same problems exist there because I am able to draw boundaries far better as a professional than as myself on a personal level.

      I don’t even think I fully understand what codependent means as of yet. But I’m working on it.

      I am in awe.

      Dharma

      • Hi Dharma,
        Thanks for writing back. It’s refreshing for me to read your insights into your self. We get to feeling better and happier in small steps, but every small step becomes more and more valuable, for me anyway, as I realize how difficult it is to live life differently.
        I guess getting to know what codependent means and getting to know ourselves – learning to see through our denial – are the same things… In my experience, anyway. I thought I was doing so well as I tried to ‘manage’ all of the issues in my life, including my partner and his issues (his name is Greg…!!). I was actually just swimming along in a river of burdensome issues and making it some kind of sport…
        In my professional life I put on a facade that I can handle everything when I can’t. I am composed and empathetic, and diligent, but I spin my wheels and end up not having things to show for my work because in reality I am preoccupied inside with fixing things that have nothing to do with a concern for my own life and wellbeing…
        I find it terribly difficult to focus on what I need to address most immediately in my own life…
        Meetings (Codependents Anonymous), ACA (adult children of alcoholics), Alanon, and AA help, but it is difficult to make the choice some days to give myself what I need and go…

        Well, I hope you have a good day, and I hope you remain in awe. Awe is a great motivator in these trying times…

        Shantelle.

      • Shantelle,

        I lost track of this comment – sorry for the delayed reply.

        As to your comment…dude. I have been combing through your blog and in many respects, only the names change, especially as you described it above.

        My professional facade has been violently disrupted as I have pretty much ceased to function. I hear all of the “I should be doing X” statements in the back of my mind and frankly, I couldn’t go [literally] any more. This crisis has been persistent and serious. But, as you’ll read in my next entry, it’s going to get worse if I don’t get my shit together. For me. Or else there won’t be a Me.

        Blogs like ours are powerful. I am humbled by the honest exchanges here. We might not always like what we read, and it might be mirror our specific situations, but there is always something to be learned.

        Good to know you. I mean the literally since we’re all hanging our souls out here. ­čÖé

        Best,

        Dharma

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