Counterintuitive or…


fucking with my head…

I just came across Does My Emotional Predator Love Me and started to read a bit about psychopathic abuse. I can’t believe how accurate the term feels. I haven’t come across anything that concise that knitted up how I am feeling about Greg. He absolutely feeds off of me and always has. This is the reason he is so damn terrified of losing me. Oh my gods, I am sad, angry, scared, and shocked when I shouldn’t be. But what to do about such a realization? What obligation do I have to make sure he’s OK when he’s not cooperating with trying to get OK?

I asked him if he’d made a counseling appointment for this week and he said “No, I think I’ll try to get by with every other week…” Very cavalier. This, after he puts me through 50 types of hell when I go to my apartment for a few hours to work. He calls, he texts, he’s morose…I’m compassionate but I’ve got to be compassionate enough for myself to say “this is not ok.” In fact, it’s a little sick. Our relationship is ill. I cannot make him understand that if I do not get some space from him I will never get to the bottom of what I need to fix and he won’t either. Talk about codependency! HELP ME ugh!

The day after I’d asked him about the appointment – or lack thereof – he was deeply depressed and I was actually having a decent day. I’m wondering if his M.O. was to bring me down, which he did. Yeah, I allowed him to. Same cycle: verbal unloading, regret, remorse, apologies. I cannot ride this merry-go-round anymore. 

I grabbed a little professional traction this week after being hardly productive for too long to admit. I believe Greg’s depression incited a misery loves company reaction and I went back into my pleaser mode. wtf. really?

I was talking about my “moved out but not really” status with one of my friends and she shook her head and said “my god girl, I have never seen a more sick situation…”

If we are ever to rebuild our relationship he has to start being serious about therapy and read something dammit. I know I overdo the research thing but um, well, that’s what researchers do. However, a little bitty effort would be awesome.

It’s the eff**g fear.

Ah. Now I’m on to something. Fear. Yes.


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