How’s that for a beginning?
That’s insight into my state of mind I guess. Here’s the scattered ashes of my thoughts, giddyup.
I am feeling hopeless and fatigued. It’s all emotional. I spent the last two tortuous days at my apartment while my spouse texted me constantly and called me when he wasn’t texting me. H’s anxiety and control issues are only superseded by his ability to level me with a single sentence. In my mind I think that if I continue to allow him to contact me it will provide some soothing. It never does. I left because I wanted to reduce the level of conflict between us, however, the opposite effect has worn me out.
He cannot be away from me for a freakin’ hour!
He called me last night and said in a hushed, ugly tone “Did you call him??” Immediately, I panic. It’s what I’m programmed to do. I realized pretty quickly he was checking my phone records, again. Of course I hadn’t called him, I’d video chatted with him online. I could then be as indignant and hurt as I wanted, and part of me was.
I realized that I was lying to myself, to Greg and to Jordan (“him”). My gods, how long could I keep this up before I had a complete personality split?
I’m feeling so angry at Greg for being such a damn big baby that I had to come back home, complete with his usual controlling/looks like a nice gesture let’s go out to eat plans. Greg controls me through a variety of means and constantly making plans is just one. I’m feeling resentful and frustrated. Go figure. That’s nothing new.
Aside from that, I’m numbed. Totally void. I can’t seem to work. I can’t seem to concentrate. I’m emotional and wondering why the hell I insist on hanging on to this thing with Greg. I guess I think that if I can just get some distance from him (ha, fat chance) that I might – just might be able to figure out if there is anything salvageable in our relationship. Right now all I feel is frustration from the isolation and confinement I think I have to put up with since his discovery of my affair with Jordan. I understand that. And I’m ambivalent about working on the relationship because I don’t think Greg realizes his part in the gaps in our foundation in the first place.
If I were totally free today, would I go to Jordan? Not necessarily. I’d be tempted. But I’m devoid of any depth of emotion. What good would I be to him? I’m totally not into sex because it requires intimacy and, at this moment, I don’t have the desire to be intimate in any way with anybody.
Here I am, in jail, again. No way out. I tried that. The wailing and the gnashing was too much. Two days of hell. Fine. I’ll be back. I know I’m distant. Self defense. Hell, no defense. Apathy.