Here we are.

selfish child

This blog is for me.

Pain, anxiety, suffering, happiness, solace, raw…no names, no identifiers, just experiences, feelings, and random observations. I have a growing interest in the occult and in saving myself post-awakening to several realities. Relationship turmoil and inner struggles have led me here. I don’t care if anyone likes what I write. It’s for me.

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8 thoughts on “Here we are.

  1. Thank you so much for following my blog (bipolarlessons.com). You know we all have our struggles and sometimes ir is very hard to keep our heads above the water! You seem to be dealing with a lot of family drama and I understand that very well. All I can say is that sometimes we need to back off a bit and figure out what is best for us! I am not talking about doing drastic knee-jerk reaction stuff but rather looking within and listening to yourself. It is very hard to think when you are in the midst of the drama though. For me I have simply had to put some distance between some of my family members. I am actually talking about my sister and brother-in-law and I realize your situation is more difficult because you have your own family to deal with, you can’t just abandon them. All I can really say is that you might want to keep some distance from your husband until you can figure this out. Have you tried counseling? Even if your husband doesn’t want to participate you can still do it alone as a way of sorting things out for yourself. And as far as affairs dear, I am not judging you, but usually affairs only complicate an already bad situation. You might think about taking some time out from all men until you figure out what it is you want and need from them.

    I hope this helps a bit and thanks again for visiting my blog!

    Mary 🙂

    • Hi Mary!

      Glad to connect with you! You would probably understand a statement of “it’s complicated” because we do all have our struggles. Ugh. We all do what we can I guess.

      I have tried to leave. I just paid my second month’s rent on an apartment that I sneak away to for a few hours but that’s as much peace as I can have. Phone calls, texts, angst, oh my god…and back I come. I have tried to tell him for years I needed space to work things out on my end but he throws an anger tantrum and I cower. [If you knew me in person this would flip you out…wouldn’t seem likely.] As far as family is concerned, all of his family is out of my life now and so is my brother who married into his family. My parents expect the same codependent behaviors from me in that I am supposed to call my brother and “work this out” despite the fact that he was instrumental in the trouble with my spouse’s family! I told my mother point blank that I will not throw myself on the tracks for anyone, anymore. It is not ok. She pouted and got snippy but I held my ground. That was about 3-4 months ago. I hear the Count from Sesame street saying “One successful boundary, ha ha ha ha…” /smile

      I have been in therapy for a few months as well but haven’t seen my counsellor in a few weeks due to her vacation. I go back tomorrow and can’t wait. Sounds odd, but I’m sure you know what I mean. There’s too much continual damage and I need to take space if he won’t give it to me. He’s used the kids, guilt, etc., and I can’t continue to hurt myself like this. We will stand no chance if I don’t get my head straight. Greg has his own counsellor and he has only gone a few times. The anger issues must be calmed before we can move forward. It’s too risky for me.

      I’m working on it. /smile [What I need is a big fat dose of courage!]

      Thanks for your kind words, keep in touch!

      Dharma

  2. hi —
    i’m inspired by your courage in sharing these experiences. i look forward to reading more, and i wish you strength and grace in continuing your journey.
    – a yogini life

    • Thank you. I think writing about my experiences provides a way for me to take back my power rather than dwelling on them.

      Looking forward to reading more of your blog!

      Dharma

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